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[ErrantKnight]

you left me alone again
left me behind
it was probably for good reasons
but it still hurts.

[ErrantKnight]

it's too early and too late
slept for maybe an hour
light goes on
footsteps
darkness
door closes
empty house
watched the curtains glow with the birthing dawn
lamenting the rest and peace squandered
by overactive mind
i've no tears yet so the skies wept for me
dappling the ground with a million million memories and dreams
they will soon dry up and disappear as if they never existed
meanwhile, i'm still here staring at the space i knew was once filled
completely is now only partially
that i'll have to redefine into the new completely
and when the cycle truly commences i'll redefine that daily
such that there is nothing to count on but ebb and flow
nothing static, nothing stationary
anchoring myself to the debris of my life floating through my days
true, there are breaks in the clouds
eyes that still look upon me and smile
the most precious gifts of all are still mine to hold, after a fashion
but not in quite the same context as before
always has now become sometimes
and it's all i can do to content myself with being left those all-important moments
fearing the spans between them
and how long they take to bridge the islands of hope


ed. note. i hate the idea of shared custody, only for the simple facts that 1, the life as i knew it is over, and 2 (most importantly), I don't get to see my boys every day. I will miss out on half their childhoods, which is quite possibly the hardest thing to bear.

i wish i could be angry. it would make all this so much easier to bear. i'm still in the hurt stage. but. looking back, that appears to be something of my norm. If you have kids, hold them close and tell them you love them as if it'll be your last time.

-s/ek

[Vice]

i sink beneath the skin
the waking world between sleep and death
i taste your blood, your pulse, your ins and outs
drag parched tongue over ragged muscle
tattered flesh
supping of the remainder of the lifeblood still weakly trickling from shattered chalice
mine is the repast of the damned
denizens of the garden forced to eke a life from the desert
drying
emaciating
dulling the sense
stealing the pulse away
limply thudding against the walls
no rancor left with which to resurrect
i feel myself dying the literal little death
the last breath that holds court before another is stolen
prolonging in agony the ecstasy of my demise
scrape my tongue on dulled tooth
hoping for some scant trace of rebirth amid the dust
eyes shriveling in their sockets
soft tissues dessicating
skin molding itself to bone as the last of the lifeblood seeps into foreign shores
receding in vision fading through the haze and fog of the divine
i am become nothingness

This is amazing writing EK. I'm so sorry such pain has to evoke it. The language in it and the style is utterly spellbinding. Thank you for sharing it.

[ErrantKnight]

was it really so easy
you made it look that way
telling me that things were done
i think the tears were real enough
i walked away
didn't scream or kick or fight it
i told you i wouldn't
as my insides tumbled to the floor
you said the boys were okay
that you talked to them, they were fine
when i brought it up again
a chorus of "no, dad"s and long eyes answered me
it is what it is
some days i think it's more
every day i wish it were more
but i know i missed a few things
i look for signs
the signs i'm looking for
the ones i'm not
well, it's easy for me to miss those
something about forests and trees
seeing one but not the other
i thought i was doing everything according to our rules
i must have stumbled on a root
you made me go away tonight
i made it around the block before the rains came
hid it well enough from the kids
but they already knew what was happening
and even if my fears are unfounded
if i'm not already replaced
my side of the bed is wasting away
degrading from us to just you
tell my boys i love them
and i'll call them tomorrow night
they're always in my heart and thoughts
even if i'm only a few miles away
so this is probably really the end
a never-ending goodbye
we had several good years together
i just wish it could have lasted longer
don't worry about me
off over here alone
thinking on the could-have-beens
and everything we did wrong
the faithful say tomorrow's a new day
but they have something to believe in
all i had just fell apart
but the momentum keeps dragging me on
good night boys
daddy loves you so much
despite all the stress i'm so proud of you
do as i tried to and be good for your mom
when i close my eyes i see yours so clear
one set of brown, 2 sets of blue
looking at me like i'm some kind of hero
when i just feel like i failed you
but i promise i'm not going anywhere
i'm not running away
mommy and i may not be together anymore
but we love you just the same.
i seal this with a kiss for each
bear hugs and high fives
till we get to hang again
i'll call you every night
don't let the bedbugs bite
and i scared away the monsters under the bed
we can read just one more chapter
then it's time to rest your head
tomorrow's a bright new day
full of hope and grand adventure
i swear to you we'll talk again soon
and make the most of what we have


i love you, boys. don't you ever forget that. -daddy

Edited by ErrantKnight, 24 July 2012 - 09:51 PM.

[RoseBud]

Im at a loss for words anymore i read over and over again and nothing. Nothing comes to my head on what to say. You and i have been friends for a long time, and i wish nothing but the best for you. My hearts just breaks when i read these last few pages. That is all I'm a huge ball of emotions today
Love
Jen

[ErrantKnight]

my life, as ever, is one constant turn after another. some call it drama, i call it the norm. it's interesting in the way that it refuses to be completely linear, no cause/effect beyond one cause, one effect, then the slate wipes clean just to begin again.

not much for progress in that state, but things will always occur to break deadlocks and there progress is found.

i couldn't sleep. here's a song idea based on something a friend of mine and i composed a month or so ago. no idea if the words and music will ever meet.


Waves
Of insane
Crashing upon
Stones
Erode

pried eyes
Cannot unsee
Blinded
everything
Obscene

Scour
Flesh from
Bone
Sensitivity
Undone

Life
Once Given
Is Stricken
Then taken
Away

We’re born
Into the
grave
Running
To be stilled

I cannot help all I witness
I cannot stop all that happens
I cannot protect you from a world in the process
Of dying

Anguish
Twin of
Despair
Drainis
Will

Existence
Contrary to
Living
Occupy
Not flourish

Addicted
To absence
Wanting
More nothing
Echoing

Agony
Ecstatic
Throes of
Exquisite
Pain

Bind me
To the
Empty
Throw it
Down


I cannot help all I witness
I cannot stop all that happens
I cannot protect you from a world in the process
Of dying

Scared
Scarred
Born to
Hold love
Revere

Pink skin
Wide eyes
Open heart
Innocent
Unblemished

My hopes
Dreams
Desires
Rest in
You

Strong arms
Strong heart
From torment
Comes
Perseverance

Right the
Wrongs
Heal wounds
Regift
life

trust
sacred
my promise
is kept
mercy

I cannot help all I witness
I cannot stop all that happens
I can only show you the beauty of a life so worth living

Edited by ErrantKnight, 14 August 2012 - 03:24 AM.

[ErrantKnight]

the stars i've crossed and stones i've turned
screaming, streaming, winging through the gulfs
chasing down a dream
you told me i was the most you could ever dream of
nothing left for want
no need left unmet
tears in your eyes as you walked out the door
holding my hand in the last embrace you'll mean
even though i carried you to bed last night
i could rage at the unfairness of it
i should belittle you for all you've put me through
but i know you weren't the only one
oh, how did we come to this
how did a thing of such rare beauty come to be such a burden
how do we find purpose when everything now means nothing
i speak here only of the us shattering into you and me
the offspring we share are another matter entirely
and i cling to that with all that is left of me
this house will continue after a fashion
though will it ever be a home again
probably just another one i cannot come back to
you've been gone an hour
feels like a lifetime
what will it feel like when you walk back into my life
should i worry about tomorrow
should i imagine i'll smile
or just acknowledge i'll pine for memories forever dimming with age
all that time spent in stars and stones
and i just want it to be spent
in life with you

[ErrantKnight]

wrench a moment of time and a piece of my mind
from green-glazed glass frosted with the passage of time
gifts given in the best state of heart
left dusted on the hearth in a pile of broken memory
what is and was and shall be was written in disappearing ink
the author a madman constantly rescribing scribbles just to lose the train of thought
we keep changing it's always the same it's always in motion it's never the same
we twist and we turn and we long and we yearn but never find satisfaction in hand
am i too good or not good enough your guilt throws me to shame my inaction to blame
i sat here waiting to see which way to run to find i've been outpaced but the race hadn't begun
i am confused and tired and sick and deprived and i hold out waiting for a dream
my bubble is popping even as we speak because the dream i dream became your nightmare
i see my traces on the walls and hear my echos in the halls and know i have to tear it all down
boxes of joys and handfuls of laughter consigned to storage and labor become the millstone of another failed life
though i'll cherish what the mean/t and i still hold so much of it dear i don't want the scars the wounds will bring
i'd so much rather we stayed together and lived on forever till the vows we made were honored in full
but if you can't find it in you to find a way to stay with me then this once-loved man must go
worry not for my plight i should have known it would happen and taken my leave and left you in peace
pieces of me will remain in the air but they will drift into nothing soon enough
then all we'll have left is the empty half of beds and obligations of living our dismally separate lives

[RoseBud]

I know i say it alot but wow i read that one over and over again

[ErrantKnight]

my control is slipping
a chalice bearing the burning red close to hand
consciousness slipping skyward
downward
inward
expansion of sensation exacerbating frustration
a wish for something sweet
yet bitter
a hint of pain to justify a smile
pick idly at a scab subconsciously knowing blood will soon flow
isolated miniscule agonies harken the rush of cool air over hot wound
angry and approaching infection
fever dementia
i want it
want the hurt
want the need
want to continue it over and over
and i stand here at the counter
the disarray of daytime livelihood momentarily intruding
quashing the inclination to act upon desire without thought or consideration
re-establishing a semblance of control on an otherwise maddened binge
innocent laughter of children above
i rein it in
i can't lose myself
not just yet
and even as the words form in the forebrain
something more primitive
more primeval
takes up the glass and downs another sip
another flirt with disaster
heady and wanton and filled with the illicit desires of a top-shelf novel tucked so discretely behind plastic
keeping only the honest thieves out
it is here that i twist and turn
ripping at the bag encasing me
within AND without
which side am i on
does it even matter anymore
pick me up
turn me about
caress me and rip me at dive into me and discard me
who even cares anymore
who even cares
just give me this one tiny fraction of forever
give me this instant of the never
grant me the deepest darkest need of the deepest darkest of hours
and grant me then the peace of slumber i so desperately crave
untouched by the maelstrom i throw myself to
that the macabre may balance the mundane
and equilibrium holds for just a day longer.

[ErrantKnight]

wine to hand
words to thought
emotion to wound
raw
.....
a subset of reality
this, my world
unknowable in the hearts of the sane
a place to call home when the winds of madness whip to their own delight
i've nothing
no one
squandered
a wasteland
a barren shadowman walking the folds betwixt light and shadow
i know myself
as nothing
not in the manner of self-deprecation
but as a total void in the midst of existence
i've toiled for so long and to what end
that i've burnt out a spouse to my offerings, my validity
that my children don't count me as father but as provider
that the collectors know me only by my supplications to their hold on me
what life is this
even now she is out
enjoying the fruits of a thing called 'fun' that i have to search out the definition to even recall its meaning
the children sleep
innocent of what troubles my heart and mind
i pray it ever to be so
but
what gods still exist that answer the prayers of a fool like me
he who follows his heart headlong unto the void
seeking redemption through act
as if that is enough
would be i were wise enough to realise
that as i scoff at myself for such utterances
so too do others scoff a the one foolish enough to believe he could change the turning of the world
simply by wishing it to be more to his liking
no
no favor do i curry that my desires are met
no wishes am i granted that i've earned anything but what i'm due now in this world
i may want for all of eternity what i deem such simple things
such inviolable truths held above all else
but they are inviolable only to me
and i rate naught but a footnote in the story of Life
and these that i yearn for so dearly
even less than that
so i continue to plod on
dreaming of a tomorrow that echos the yesterdays that i hold so dear
words ringing in my ears that things have changed and the past will never be again
knowing once again my fears have rung true
i'm not enough
i was never enough
and what i am
will never be enough

[ErrantKnight]

looking back to review the recent history

see what kind of trend i've made

i'm drinking again

but somewhat bored

some reality show on t.v.

wife unconscious beside me

left with nothing but chiding thoughts 

and a dwindling glass of wine

and i dare consciousness to flee

heady

thick

the joy such inebriation should bring is lost on me

the walls i struggle daily to build are nowhere to be found

the things that hurt are ever-present

the memories

fears

insecurities

the stench of ozone preceding a lightning strike

something smells foul

and i'm sure soon the hammer will drop

it was such a good life

had so much potential

but like she said 'a switch has been flipped'

i'm sensing the encroaching cold

so easy to see myself cast out

seems.... so natural

maybe i should feel something more

something different

something else

something......better

i just feel like i'm soon to be old news

that all i've tried to hold so dearly to will mean nothing

the boys sleeping in the other room

to them...all is as it ever is

mom and dad are fine

they yell some times

but less now than they did before

especially at each other

dad doesn't cry like he did

mom's usually here at some point

even if she's taken up by schoolwork

our norm

and at 1 in the morning she sleeps while i worry about how many tomorrows we have left

my legacy of insignificance

of 'left-behindedness'

this recurring theme

gone-ism

absenteeism

see you later-ism

holding on to yesterdays like they'll safeguard tomorrows

but knowing that i know nothing aside from the breathe i hold within

all else is a gift, a curse, or a memory

here, then gone, then maybe... just maybe..here again

if i'm lucky

was hoping for luck

something of the gods smiling

who knows....

 

maybe

[ErrantKnight]

scratching at the layer beneath the surface

hope waning for the sunlight i'm losing sight of

i vow to quit fighting the inevitable

quit trying to hold back inevitability

lullabies tormenting me so sweetly

how the dreams should have held their gossamer intangibility

and now that they've descended into the sepulchural depths

it seems though previously i would have been content with this fate

this that i have earned for my sordid transgressions

i find it just as detestable as the blissed ignorance i once held in such high regard

now i know

what is it worth to know

for certain, having the wool pulled from the eyes should grant the witness a measure of

of

of security

of being the possessor of knowledge

surety

absolute, solid, defineable presence of awareness

and my hands remain empty

my head remains empty

my heart remains empty

echoing the fragments of a fallen system of belief

that something that mattered developed mass and became subject to the forces of gravity

came all crashing down

shattered splintered dying dead on the floor

so many steps below that the light i yearned for remain now forever out of reach

i should have known better

knew that to feel meant inevitably would translate into hurt

so tired, so very tired of the hurt

thoughts now come in pieces

like the rest of me

disjointed

disillusioned

disavowed.....

[ErrantKnight]

must be a game

lost the rules and making it up on the fly

where are the dice

shaking and shaking 

nothing's rattling

and i can't seem to get anywhere

all the pieces are in motion

landings uncertain

why are you toying with me?

what does it satisfy in you to see me so offset?

is the imbalance part of a test to pass?

i told you i wouldn't fight it anymore

you're going to do what you're going to do

and my outdated belief in a rational set of events 

it just doesn't hold in the sudden-death overtime

anything goes

everything's gone

or so you keep telling me

the last few days feel like it used to

smiles and laughter

closeness

something close to love

but tonight you were back to being standoffish

taunting and challenging

like i'm a speedbump you have to navigate on the way to somewhere better

you tell me you don't know what you want

and i begin to understand

i fought and screamed and cried and tried to show that there was more to me than what you were happy leaving behind

what it all comes down to is that you just don't see in me what i want you to see

your eyes on a prize other than what you already have in your hands

and if you do decide what you want you already have

how long will that last till the luster wears off again

and you're seeking a new game, a new challenge

so sick of player vs. player

thought it was co-op vs the world

i died and you couldn't wait for me to respawn

run along run along

grab up all the goodies and don't look back

yes, it will be a new adventure

tell me how v2.0 goes

i just don't feel like playing it anymore.

[SaveMySanity]

Many days have passed us,

the ages are running ragged -

your memory could be at a loss.

 

My words and yours ran together,

I was once a poet,

and yet all my work - I simply said "toss"

 

It's gone.

Forever lost.

But do you see?

 

I miss the time,

the writing with you and others.

Do you remember me?

[ErrantKnight]

I'm tired Old Older Another day down No rest for the wicked Or the weary Still trying to sort on from the other Pains and patterns and weights and balance A book of record capturing the effort spent I don't know what I'm doing What I'm trying to achieve What I'm trying to prove Other than I can Or I am A gentle smile A warm caress Something,anything But....nothing I have not earned it Have not toiled enough Resolved enough To earn such reward And I'm getting hungry Greedy My beleaguered mind conjuring the notion That I am finally due something And I want to take To have To own The force of the instinct claws away the rational walls Like some ravening beast set loose in the pantry Ripping and tearing and gorging until i split When so blinded by urge that I miss why I work The fruits of my efforts left bleeding and weeping over my hands What I wanted most now barred The hunger won out and took as it would Without thought Or restraint The pain you feel The sense of empty Of misunderstanding You can hold to that As I will my self-removal Self-restraint Self-control And self-destruction You see, It's been so long And I've wanted so much That I forgot how to pace How to balance sating and slaking How to appease the two instead of indulging the one That wanton carelessness The will to succumb I caved to it And it devoured me whole Now look what I'm left with The knowledge that I am my own end That I bring ruin to all i touch And that isolation is my only salvation I'll not say goodbye For it is a far more effective punishment to remain Chained to my misdeeds Beholden to love and bereft of desire To know want And to have nothing That is my due at the end of the day

[SaveMySanity]

Never your own end unless your self destruction wins. Your strength is greater than this, your accomplishments can be higher and greater than any length of chains you hold yourself down with.