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#3541 Rhuen

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Posted 12 May 2014 - 02:07 PM

 Videogame:

 

    The Legacy of Kain Series: As a warning, I have only ever played ONE of these games, and likely the worst one to start a series with (the very last one), not knowing that unlike pretty much EVERY OTHER videogame series, this one actually tries to keep a connected narrative; although research has found why the story is a confusing cluster fuck of weird mythos. The first and fourth games are made by a different team than the second and third games which were originally a different IP but the company making them had them put together during development (thus some story changes confusing some of the narrative). The fifth game was made with the two teams working together to try and clean up while anticipating a sixth game that wont come (Defiance was made in 2003)

 

Well this game series comprises (5) titles.

 

Blood Omen: Legacy of Kain: a puzzle solving RPG 2-D game from the Playstation and Microsoft windows.

 

Soul Reaver: A soul sucking Wraith vampire out for revenge, mostly a puzzle game from what I hear, and why I had avoided it when it first game out back on the PS1.

 

Soul Reaver 2: Said to be a pretty basic hack and slash, as the team wanted to move away from being a puzzle game, but apparently lost something. Also avoided as I had other game priorities/couldn’t find this one when it came out and still have never seen it in a store or garage sale or anything. Weird.

 

Blood Omen 2: Goes back to Kain, a 3-D successor to the first one. Until I looked these up I hadn’t even heard of this one, apparently it was on a few systems, strange.

 

Legacy of Kain Defiance: works to combine the stories of Raziel from Soul Reaver and Kain, switching between the two as attempts are made to bring balance to Nosgoth.

 

Now, in 2013 it was stated that a sixth game is being made…however it is not a continuation, and no its not a reboot either (although with the convoluted story I wouldn’t complain if they did that as I would fully understand the reasons. Vampire Apocalypse with fantasy world with angels that hunt vampires who were turned into vampires with time travel and time travel paradoxes is a very good reason to want to clean up the story.

 

  What they reported however was “Nosgoth” which given what is stated sounds like an MMORPG, yes playing a vampire in the world of Nosgoth. Now I have my own ideas for a Vampire RPG, just going over how to integrate a large number of possible vampire powers and weaknesses and various game play elements is complex. I imagine this will be significantly simpler than what I came up with as the series doesn’t seem to have vampire clans or sub-species really.



#3542 Rhuen

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Posted 14 May 2014 - 07:23 PM

BloodRayne franchise:

   Okay I have already stated many reasons why I think the second game is inferior to the first and such so to keep it simple (the second game was rushed through production to coincide with the release of the Bloodrayne movie…which totally killed this franchise)…for at least a decade.

 

  This series has two full games, and one PSN DLC thing.

 

  BloodRayne: you play a Dhampir named Rayne hunting nazies, zombies and other assorted monsters through three levels. You actually feel like you are hunting them, you can sneak up on enemies, slaughter things, and you have a wide variety of weapons and powers. The story is pretty much Rayne doing mercenary work for a secret orgizination countering the Nazi regime’s occult programs, which is going after pieces of an ancient vampire-demon called Belial. Now the third episode feels a bit rushed near the end as they clearly had a fairly large hit-list, but make NPC vampires take out like six or seven of them. The biggest up-sell for this game is the fact it feels like the player is jumping into three different yet connected by common villains and artifacts horror movies. Which I have gone over before.

 

  BloodRayne 2: Now I have already complained about the glitches, the lack of that good ole vampire hunting feeling replaced by it feels like Double Dragon with biting people and that piss-weak repetitive to death swing people into shit puzzle. I am fairly certain this game was rushed out the door; hell after the Uwe Boll movie went to DVD this game was re-released as a duel pack with the movie, but the price did not increase. So you bought this game and got that shitty movie for free.

 

   This game felt like just one long level with a bunch of mini-bosses, in fact the entire game is played in a single city, which is full of vampires (I will not accept that the common foes are humans as they can push Rayne off them during feeding, yet they are street punks, and sixty some years earlier trained soldiers couldn’t do that to Rayne). There are more varied enemies, but they all feel kind of common, like knock-offs of Doom and Quake enemies really, with the exceptions of Ferril and Ephemeral who felt like comic book knock-offs and really the only two interesting characters in the entire game. The game tries to give more focus to Rayne’s backstory which was only touched on during the first game (hunting her father Kagen), but also adds familiacide (she is trying to wipe out all her half brothers and sisters loyal to Kagen), as he apparently as a random ass-hole move killed Rayne’s mother and human family.

 

  Now this game clearly tries to create a controlled origin and backstory to her, which I can only imagine was in reaction to a movie being made while this was still in production and the belief that the movie would actually use the game’s history…it doesn’t. which would have been bad…but instead when worse somehow. The game’s focus turns into a vampire apocalypse, Shroud that conceals the sun (which is a poorly thought out thing), and turning humans into giant fat nasty blood milked cattle critters…and other such unoriginal concepts.

 

   This game lost the heart of the first one, although the style change and increased moveset were interesting, the glitches harming replay value, and never making it so low level enemies can’t knock her down, and the whole repetitive feeding kills and the same puzzle over and over really hurt this game. Not to mention the whole all Dhampirs use her weapon, as an excuse to not have to make more enemy models and move set…yeah a lot of fights with female dhampir enemies feel like Shadow Link battles.

 

  Now we might have seen a third one learn from these mistakes and do better, if not for the fact the movie was LETHAL to this franchise. Like bombed sales lethal. Lets put it this way, this franchise only had ONE game under its belt and yet, Playboy had Rayne in it, (Lara Croft I believe the only other video game girl to get this honor), talks of an Anime series (fell through), and had a comic book going.

 

  Now the comic book died, it managed to just barely hang-on (by mocking the movie in its own pages) but then shot its self in the head. It introduced some cosmic universe making entity story line with time travel. After a series of one shots all about killing nazies hunting werewolves and what not…yeah…shark jumped with a jet-pack. A note for all independent comic book creators, you are not Marvel or DC comics, and until you have built up enough of a following to have branched out to make a large number of characters with their own titles, a built up world, and established a set of rules via all these of what is possible, and you are writing in the 21st century not the 1960’s and 1970’s when no one really cared, best to avoid cosmic entities, especially when your story is horror based. Marvel and DC had thousands of characters dozens of titles going and get away with an army of Mary Sue characters each with little complaining. With their long histories of higher order weirdness they can do cosmic stuff without anyone batting an eye; but when you have like less than thirty issues of a single character under your belt,  and that character is a strictly horror enemies themed character, jumping from (on the hunt for a Nazi werewolf vampire cult too….this guy is trying to destroy the universe by forcing the Omnipotent entity that created it to step down, and he is older than the universe as he is an “angel” of the previous God…also time travel…) its like…WTF? Honestly surprised Top Cow tried that shit some years later with Artifacts, granted minus the whole race of omnipotents and angels, but it was still pretty stupid, but Top Cow had been around long enough and Witchblade and Darkness at least had the staying power to survive such BS being in their books. Also their series had previously established their universe is a fucked up place with little holding it together.

 

 

   Anywho, so what about the PSN game, you may ask wanting to stop me ranting about Uwe Boll and the comic book. Well

 

  BloodRayne: Betrayal: a 2-D slash-em-up game with combo power ups and weird difficulty settings that make the game less entertainment more, (hey dudes check out my score online I am totally better than all of you newbs). There is no real story to talk about, it’s pretty much half-naked female Strider.

 

 

   Well there is talk now of a third game possibly being in development. They want to go back to 3-D and bring back what made the first game great while taking advantage of modern games.

 

  Personally, this will probably end up feeling like Bayonetta. Which I consider the spiritual successor/hybrid of BloodRayne and Devil May Cry. Bayonetta was one trait away from being a vampiress. They could have said she was a shadow vampire and I wouldn’t have noticed much of a difference between that and “Umbra Witch”.

 

   Also if they decide to go Multi-player at any point then you can say goodbye to the time slowing powers which…good riddance it was about useless in the first game (you were also slowed down), and the second this feature was kind of broken…and broke the game…as in actually BROKE it as in glitch central if you had this power on when a cut-scene was going to start or an area transition happens. PS: I hope the aura sight returns to using “auras” for enemies and target locations instead of the brimstone symbol, having that symbol felt…weird like a target cursor take me out of the game rather than what you’d expect a vampire’s power to look like. Honestly they could make this a reboot or a sequel to the first that is a divergent timeline from the second game (as in ignore the second game and only focus on the first as part of it like so many Godzilla movies).



#3543 Creator of Light

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Posted 16 May 2014 - 10:23 AM

Being honest doesn't mean being harsh. Especially if it's delicate. People don't know how to handle delicate. 



#3544 Leven

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Posted 17 May 2014 - 11:21 PM

Sometimes harsh is what a person needs.

 

Oh my dear, if the truth I told could set you free, I would move mountains.



#3545 Rhuen

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Posted 19 May 2014 - 05:23 PM

Go watch Godzilla/

 

its fricken awesome!



#3546 smappy

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Posted 22 May 2014 - 01:28 PM

This one time I wasn't paying attention and told the priest at the church I was going to that I didn't give a fuck what was going on up front, I had to take a shit and I was going to do that right now.

 

It went over better than expected.



#3547 Ibiza

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Posted 23 May 2014 - 01:32 AM

Note to self #112 " stop dating vampires Ibiza you keep getting fang whipped"

#3548 Rhuen

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Posted 28 May 2014 - 06:26 PM

Godzilla vs Gamera:

 

  Now an interesting concept might be if they made an amalgam version of all the forms of these two as the outcome could depend on which version is fighting which other version. There are more versions of Godzilla (mainly thanks to the Millennium series having four different versions its self *Godzilla 2000, Ghost Godzilla, Godzilla from the Mecha movies who I like to call “90’s redux” , and Final Wars’ “Uber Godzilla”*

 

  Gamera has three versions, Showa, Heisei, and Millennium, with that third only having one movie.

 

   Lets start with Gamera: The Showa Era Gamera, originally an ancient monster of Eskimo legend who was freed from the ice by a nuclear explosion that should have been the start of WWIII seeing as it was a USSR bomber being shot down by US Airforce, but I guess the giant turtle attacking Japan changed that. Any who, this giant turtle appears and attacks everyone, that is except for one little boy who had to give away a pet turtle we never saw on screen for some reason because his dad is a psycho and his class-mates equally psychotically against the existence of turtles for some reason that might have made sense to the screen writer, presumably while on some sort of acid…*cough* any who my nitpicks against the plot of the first movie aside, Gamera saves this one little boy from falling, and after that I guess its implied the little boy gains a psychic link with Gamera or else the kid is just insane as while Gamera is killing thousands of other people and destroying the mountain side the little boy trespasses on a military operation to try and save the rampaging turtle monster that saved his life, and only his life…whatever…sorry this aspect of this film, with it being unclear if Gamera was supposed to be good or bad just annoys me and surprises me that a sequel actually got made.  It’s no wander the Heisei era rebooted the origin to be more clearly heroic.

 

  Gamera at the end is shot into space by the most confused piece of BS science in one of these movies, I guess it was a space colony built underground that would be shot into space that for some reason had a 60 meter high closing dome on one end and could compensate for Gamera’s weight while sending him to Mars. Oh Z-plan, what a stupid idea. But it worked and Gamera was sent to Mars, until they decided to make a second movie.

 

  Now all that is important for a few reasons, 1: We learn very quickly that Gamera eats fire as sustenance, at least in the Showa Era, we see it can live underwater, its shell can repel military weapons of the time, and it can fly like a flying saucer by expelling flames from its limb holes, and it can breathe fire. The arctic would come up later. Also it moved on four or two limbs in these early movies, but became almost exclusively a biped in later films. Gamera is also attracted to heat sources, and thanks to being sighted a lot, seems to not be able to stay submerged like most reptile like monsters that came out at this time.

 

  In the second movie Gamera fights a giant lizard called Barugon. It is revealed Gamera is attracted any heat source, and that the underbelly of the shell is not as strong as the back. Gamera has to retreat to defend its limbs and belly from attacks (this comes up in almost every movie). We also learn extreme cold is a weakness of Gamera’s, and Barugon can spit out a chill blast from its stiff long tongue (it also has a rainbow beam from its spine because…why not). Of course Barugon also had an easily exploitable weakness, starting this trend with Gamera’s enemies, despite Barugon clearly being showing swimming out of a sinking ship when its egg hatched we learn that water paralyzes Barugon, and in fact its just the latest in a history of its kind, the native would use a mirror to hypnotize Barugon (yeah shiny objects also put the dumb lizard in a trance), and lure it right into a lake where it would stiffen up and drown….so Gamera’s first enemy can get its ass kicked by rain and shiny objects and is a monster whose kind is routinely killed by villagers whenever they arise…

 

   Before going over any other movies, Showa Gamera would also display the ability in these films to travel in space (despite the cold weakness, which was ignored after the first few films), so think Transformers how they made cold a weakness but ignored that they could move through space and walk on the moon…yeah, seems to be a commonly forgotten weakness in movies. Showa Gamera also had a healing power, it would (in almost every single movie) after being badly hurt by its opponent, retreat and heal while in this coma sleep (sometimes aided by the prayers of children thanks to some psychic bit) and return at full strength to battle its enemy (which by this point has been harmed by both humans and its self and is thus at a disadvantage). This Gamera also in later films got the power to fly straight by pulling in just the legs and tail, as well as crazy acrobatics that really shouldn’t work given its size. Pretty much a giant fire-breathing Ninja Turtle.

 

   Sticking with powers, in the Heisei era they upgraded Gamera considerably, first making it the latest in a line of super-bio-weapons engineered by Atlantis, who left instructions on how to link Gamera with human minds like some robot. This Gamera lost the cold weakness completely (never even mentioned), doesn’t seem to eat fire or anything for that matter, gains elbow spikes, spits out Plasma fire balls, breathes fire, and can focus spirit energy into a “Mana Beam” fired from the chest. So basically 90’s Gamera became a turtle version of Goku I guess, oh and it got some Elbow Spikes like Guyver has. This one retains the flying powers, can use its shell like a buzzsaw when flying, and its front limbs could morph into “sea-turtle flipper wings” when doing the back legs jet flight. Aside from a few new powers like those it seems to be about the same as the original.

 

   Millenium Gamera started with Gamera being killed, then a new one being born that had to eat a magic red rock to gain its true power. After that sentence I would lose interest, it seems to be trying to become a heroic retelling of the first movie given the 90’s elements.

 

 

Now his battles,

 

Already mentioned Gamera’s first movie, and second movie opponents.

 

But to illustrate:

 

2nd film Gamera vs Barugon: Gamera is not full fledged hero here, as his first act upon returning to Earth is to destroy a dam. Not even by accident, he attacks it for some reason. Some treasure hunting idiots find a giant opal in a cave, this is really a monster egg for a Barugon and bring it back to japan.

 

  The battle is what is important, in the battle Barugon temporarily knocks down Gamera with a frost blast, its Rainbow beam seems to have little to no effect of Gamera however and in fact attracted it. The rainbow beam seems to be more heat than anything, taking a moment to blow up some missiles. Gamera frozen had only enough strength to swat at Barugon before toppling over asleep.

 

   While Gamera is knocked out Barugon moves on, here we have the plan to lure Barugon into a lake to drown, it nearly works, but some bit about too much exposure to infrared radiation has made the hypnosis effect too weak to make Barugon do something to kill its self. The Japanese military uses artificial rain to weaken Barugon and keep it stunned, yes rain is a major weakness of the giant monster which would have no way to avoid rain or water. They super-charge the tribe’s diamond being used as a lure with infrared radiation to make it effective, and it almost is, however before the humans without any help from a still comatose Gamera can succeed in killing the monster with a lake and a shiny rock, a dumb-ass who thinks he can still sell the diamond despite his country’s government and military knowing about it and him breaks in and tries to steal it. Barugon eats this man and the diamond after destroying the boat carrying them.

 

    So what’s next? Does Gamera save the day….nope, Gamera is still out (cold), so okay they discover that Barugon’s rainbow ray doesn’t work on glass or anything else really reflective, so they plan to reflect the rainbow back at Barugon (some bit about how a blow torch can burn through its own cord to justify using its own weapon against it), and a plan to build a giant mirror and make Barugon attack it with the rainbow in the hopes to reflect it back and kill it is now in effect. And…it works, yes the Rainbow is reflected back and Barugon’s lower body and tail are badly damaged and bleeding purple blood everywhere, Barugon is howling in pain and panicking.

 

    Before the humans can successfully finish off Barugon Gamera finally thaws out and comes after Barugon. They fight, mainly a shoving match, Gamera bits onto Barugon’s already severly injured tail dragging it around, eventually throws Barugon into a lake, bites into its throat and drags it down to drown it.

 

  So verdict: Gamera’s first battle ended in a KO for Gamera, who was saved from death only because his opponent didn’t care about killing him for some reason/probably thought he was dead, what with the not moving and all. The humans nearly kill the other monster (something that rarely ever happens in a two monsters movie) taking advantage of the fact that it has an easily exploitable weakness (water), can be hypnotized into killing its self (only fails thanks to greed), and its strongest weapon works brilliantly against its self and for some reason is reflected without melting glass. Gamera loses to a full strength opponent, then beats down an already severly injured one and takes advantage of its weakness to kill it.

 

  That all sounds really bad, even to me, and I’m not trying to hate on Gamera, THAT is how the second movie plays out. Gamera, thanks to children and such liking the fighting, would be shown in a better light later.

 

 

 Third film: Gamera vs Gyaos: This introduces the Rodan knock off, who for some reason that escapes me has become a staple of the Gamera series as Gamera’s most often reappearing and implies in later continuities main enemy.

 

    Okay this movie is more a PSA about big companies pushing around the small Japanese villages in the mountains, at least at first. The road construction company accidently releases from a MASSIVE FRICKEN CAVE…that no one seems to be able to find throughout the film till real late despite needing a hundred foot high plus entrance and being several hundred feet deep at least for Gyaos (explained in a second). It uses Sonic beams as a weapon and drinks blood. Gamera and Gyaos fight, during which its discovered that Gyaos is weak against fire…like DC comic’s Martian Manhunter weak against fire, fire is Gyaos kryptonite. Thus Gamera has the advantage in this fight. Gamera is also now officially a good guy and saves a little boy, picks him up and lets him ride on his back, to escape Gyaos.

 

   During the following fight however, while Gamera injures Gyaos, Gyaos causes serious injuries to Gamera forcing Gamera for several days to retreat to the bottom of the sea to heal in a coma like state while Gyaos continues its rampage. Also important to note Gyaos has a defense against fire, a giant yellow fart cloud that smothers flame. Gamera returns to fight Gyaos again, biting his foot, as the sun rises Gyaos head lights up like a giant warning light, and Gyaos severs its own foot to escape; as it turns out, and the humans figure out, sunlight is a weakness of Gyaos’ yes this a hundred foot tall vampire, it drinks blood (a poor food source by the way, there is a reason ALL blood drinking animals in nature are SMALL). To repeat what a documentary on vampires said once, if Dracula were real he’d have to drink so much blood in one night to obtain the nutrition he needs that he would have to also urinate out all the waste fluid (plasma) in such an amount as to fill several bathtubs.

 

   Anywho, so Gyaos, harmed by fire and is a hundred foot tall creature harmed by sunlight, something very hard to avoid when you’re the size of a building…and a flyer. Thus the massive cave that people seem to have a hard time finding, despite knowing where it is and blasting at it…and then forgetting again, whatever, plot hole. The humans decide at this point….okay this bears some mention as this is actually brought up during the movie.

 

  You would think, okay built a giant lamp that shoots intense light with high UV levels. Not that hard really. This is mentioned during the movie and (BRUSHED ASIDE) as a bad idea because it wouldn’t be mobile…and that’s the last we hear of it..no instead the people built a giant rotating platform which sprays out artificial blood (which is also in a bowl at the top), designed to make Gyaos dizzy while there so it will stay put till the sun comes up and die…while watching this I was like *okay, you could also build the giant UV light next to the giant rotating platform with the lure…or just a giant lure minus the pointless rotating part and with the giant UV light…but no, their game plan was to feed it and make it mildly dizzy in the hopes it wouldn’t just fly off the rotating platform…or break it so it stops rotating (it totally does this) to keep it till sun rise…yeah between movie 2 and 3 the Japanese Defense Force seems to have had a massive drop in intelligence.

 

   Okay Gamera now healed again shows up and has it out with the mostly regenerated and dizzy Gyaos. They fight, this time however Gamera is able to hold Gyaos in place, in the crater of Mt. Fuji till the sun rises, which kills Gyaos.

 

  That bears repeating the SUN kills Gyaos, not Gamera, Gamera had all the work of holding him without being cut up by a sonic beam.

 

 

   *just to make a note here: this makes two movies so far where the thing that kills Gamera’s enemy is a common element of nature (water, sunlight) in which Gamera is harmed badly by his opponent, and wins by holding them tight till their all too common and hard to avoid elemental weakness does them in.

 

  Man I swear I am not hating on Gamera, I think its own creators might have though. LoL

 

 

 

4th film: Gamera vs Viras:

 

    So aliens are approaching Earth and Gamera flies up there to destroy their vessel, apparently declaring war on an alien race; who are able to send a distress signal back home that Gamera and the Earth are enemies; I think they implied the aliens were going to invade Earth anyway perhaps. But the distress call is an eyebrow raiser on that.

 

  Cut to two little boys who somehow manage to steal and go on a joyride in a submarine, Gamera spots them and has a playful race with them, because at this point Gamera is fully officially the friend of all children. So the children and Gamera become trapped by the aliens who release the world’s dumbest force field design…seriously Gamera using all his strength (lifts the edge of the force field) so the little boys can escape. Gamera is totally captive by the aliens who scan his memories, learning that he has a soft spot for children.

 

////at which point the aliens laughed so hard they all died…sorry…no, that didn’t happen.

 

   So the force field weakens and Gamera escapes, oh but the aliens find…not just children but those two specific children most recent in Gamera’s memory because apparently he could see them in detail in side that tiny sub to the point the aliens could quickly pin point them out of Japan’s entire population and capture them…hi…this is officially the turning point of the series from even trying to be serious for the remainder of the Showa era. Sorry this kind of thing just irks me from a story telling point of view, we know its because (these are the actors), but the aliens could have *captured a school bus*, *held an entire elementary school under their force field*, no it was these two specific children, regardless of the silly premise they could have been just that little bit less silly.

 

  Any who, at this point the aliens threaten Gamera that if he tries anything funny they’ll kill the children, Gamera gives into their demands and allows them to put a mind control helmet on him….and I…goo goo…gaaa….gaaa…Bat-man? Was I writing about Bat-man, it had to be, or Spider-man…yeah aliens totally saw Spider-man teaching some local inner city kids how to shoot hoops in one of Marvel’s kid friendly comics, kidnapped those kids after the game and threatened spider-man if he didn’t surrender his will to them they’d hurt the kids….there is no way this hostage, mind-control scene went down with a towering fire breathing reptile Kaiju who has in the past destroyed cities for…oh crap it is…

 

  Well damn…Gamera is a giant super-hero in every single possible way, stick a cape and a mask on the turtle because he just gave into alien demands for the safety of children. That they could even negotiate with it…sorry…back to the rest of the story. Gamera is destroying cities and dams under alien control and sporting a nifty new hat.

 

   So the aliens for whatever reason hold the two children hostage on their ship, the same ship with the alien leader and the mind control…controls. The two children are poorly guarded and held in apparently easily escaped rooms and what not. The children…I repeat CHILDREN escape an alien military vessel’s prisoner cells and destroy the monster control panel, thus freeing Gamera…we also learn at this point that the aliens are squids. The squids reveal they can form voltron…er I mean Viras. Yes the squid aliens could this whole time merge together into a giant monster…so instead of (mind control Gamera, kill stupid un-neccissary children…or just NOT keep them on the ship, and also turning into a second giant monster to go on a rampage) they waited till now with their ship damaged and Gamera free to merge and fight Gamera…oh but uh oh, Viras has a weakness…the cold…wait that sounds familiar…must be my imagination, Gamera grabs Viras and lifts it up into space where the cold…which totally doesn’t affect the flies through space Gamera who in no way was ever before badly harmed by cold, totally freezes Viras and Gamera dunks its dead corpse into the ocean.

 

  Thus the day is saved by…lack of continuity, and Gamera taking advantage of a weakness…HE”S SUPPOSED TO HAVE!

 

 

  Sorry I do genuinely hate this movie, it’s insulting to the young audience its aimed at. It breaks from continuity, the plot is none-sense, the plot holes are big enough to drive Ego the living Planet through, and once again we have a monster that Gamera doesn’t kill with its own powers directly and basically bear hugs/submission holds and drags into that monster’s weakness, in this case a weakness that while on the one hand the film makers finally acknowledge that space is cold, have forgotten that the cold is also supposed to be a weakness to Gamera as well. Guess unless its ice directly Gamera isn’t so bothered by it, but THAT is never said; on top of everything else this was a very short monster fight, that might as well have not even been in the movie, and seems like they decided at the last second that the movie has to have Gamera fight another giant monster.

 

 

   5th film: Gamera vs Guiron:

 

   Oh dear goddess I can’t stand this one. To be honest despite their plot holes I do genuinely enjoy the first three films of this series, they are no worse than most giant monster movies, and the later down the list Gamera vs Zigra isn’t so bad, but the 4th and 5th feel like they were school plays. This one most of all.

 

  Okay to start we have some annoying brats, yes brats, who run off and for some idiotic reason decide to climb inside a flying saucer that landed on Earth with no pilot, and opened its doors in a random location. The kids mess with the controls and it auto-pilots back to the alien planet. On the way Gamera is flying around in space, apparently trying to warn them to turn around return to earth…instead of just grabbing the ship and doing just that which would have caused the entire rest of this movie to not happen. For you see the aliens who didn’t go to Earth with the ship number only two females, their entire species is extinct. Probably for good reason they don’t seem very bright in the foresight department.

 

  The aliens reveal that their planet was ravaged by Space Gyaos (plural), yes the Gyaos return, mostly to show off the Ginsu Knife…er…I mean monster Guiron’s power. This monster is a school play loose latex suit with a giant head piece requiring the actor to walk on all fours and looks like it really hurt the neck to wear. It has this super sharp knife head that chops up the Gyaos (a monster Gamera had to hold in the sunlight to beat…a weakness this Gyaos clearly didn’t have). The aliens learn Earth has only one giant monster, who defeated “ALL the others” ignoring that ALL the others has thus far only amounted to TWO others plus an alien invasion combiner. “Earth used to have a bunch of monsters but Gamera defeated them all” then cue stock footage flash backs…which yes it just Barugon, Gyaos, and the alien Viras….so not much in the way of others there. Anywho the aliens decide to go to Earth with the children, a trip mind you that the children took on the ship that lasted like thirty minutes…we have shots back on Earth confirming how little time has passed; the parents are only just starting to become concerned their kids are missing.

 

   The time and short flight time is important to bring up because for some reason the aliens have decided they want to kill the two children and eat their brains, something about gaining knowledge…guess the aliens didn’t get the part where these are children, anything they know the clearly super-smart aliens which already speak the human language should be able to pick up fairly quickly and then surpass the children, also something about food on the trip to Earth…which we know only takes like half an hour.

But these are aliens who for some reason sent their empty vessel to Earth, which could have been found by a government who would have taken it apart instead of returning to their planet, thus losing them their only means to leave their planet (yes this is also a plot point, THAT ONE SHIP is the only escape from their planet. And they fricken made it go on a possibly one way trip to bring back help, help that they now plan to eat, even though clearly they didn’t need help and could have left their planet with the ship.

 

  Okay enough of the incredibly stupid aliens and children, Gamera still floating around in space hears the children’s psychic cries for help and shows up to fight the cyborg knife head (who also shoots exploding shurikens from the sides of its head via chambers that are clearly not visible normally until used). The monster Guiron also is only held in an underground chamber and requires a machine to control.

 

   Okay we have Guiron fighting Gamera now, so how well goes the fight between a monster that easily killed a Gyaos (even reflecting its sonic beam) against Gamera who took an entire movie and two coma healings to fight the same monster…better than it should for Gamera. Turns out Gamera’s shell is harder than Gyaos body, and while is cut up pretty bad can take a few blows from Guiron. Gamera knocks Guiron into a canyon where the knife headed monster is somehow stuck with its knife head stuck in the rocks…which is weird considering it cut through the hide of a monster immune to missiles yet can’t cut through rock, anywho it shoots it shurikens and damage’s Gamera’s face. Gamera uses ice like boulders to rub the wounds…which I will ignore out of fear of making a ten page rant about that, Gamera then uses one of the boulders to somehow reflect a giant exploding shuriken back at Guiron.

 

  Guiron is hurt and waddles away to lick its wounds, clearly not seeing Gamera then pass out in a lake to enter yet another in this film series (healing comas), we assume had Guiron seen this he’d be down there making turtle soup out of the helpless Gamera..

 

  Okay now one little boy somehow figures out alien technology enough to free the other from the machine that was going to turn him into a brain food platter, but it also frees Guiron from alien control, Guiron goes on a rampage through the alien’s “city” AKA few buildings and some pipes. Now the two aliens do what they should have done from the start, they get on their ship and try to flee to Earth, no need for provisions its only a half hour trip, but…Guiron attacks the ship, badly wounding one of the two women, the other one (to make absolutely certain the audience won’t sympathize with the last survivors of dead civilization trying to flee to a better world) reveals that in their society they don’t heal the wounded they kill them, and kills her (surprised for some reason) sister. Think about that a moment, the alien exposited about a major factor of their own culture to her sister, something both would already know, and she was surprised. Did one not really know in their culture they kill the badly hurt or “useless”. Whatever, movie’s almost over and these aliens proved time and again they were incompetent.

 

   So Gamera now fully healed again engages the still injured from their last battle Guiron (seems to be a theme huh?) Gurion kills the other woman as she is escaping in a rocket…guess there was a second escape vessel (even though till this point they mentioned only one and emphasized that, which is why I stated it as such throughout this review), but this bit of plot hole becomes important as Gamera takes the damaged rocket and shoves it into one of the shuriken ports on Guiron’s head, and using his flamethrower makes it explode, thus killing Guiron. In other words Gamera used an explosive which he only lit, which he shoved into an opening in his enemy’s armor to kill this monster. It is a more direct finisher than the previous movies (which all took advantage of an elemental weakness), but this one still stinks of (weak point), it’s like a boss fight where the boss monster is shooting rockets or throwing bombs at you, that you can toss back into those same openings to damage it. In this case, shove a rocket lying on the battle field thanks to the enemy monster into the exposed port/weak point and explode. Clearly Guiron’s body was barely held together (latex costume and giant armored head, not hard to believe it was unstable).

 

  But the rocket is gone, and so is the space ship, how are the little boys going to return to Earth. Well Gamera takes the two halves of the severly damaged and crashed after being chopped in half space ship and using his fire breath welds the two halves back together. Its air tight (which makes no sense as even a tiny fracture would be fatal in space, and even melded back together wouldn’t have life support, or a heating system against the cold of space) whatever, Gamera takes the welded ship with the boys inside back to Earth and roll credits after they are safely returned to their parents…in a ship that survived re-entry even though it lacks the alien anti-inertia stuff and fire breath could melt the metal…yeah this was a crappy movie, there is a reason folks why MST3K heckled most of the Showa era Gamera movies.

 

   The important thing in these is the opponent monster. So far this was the strongest and most heavily armored of Gamera’s opponents, however Gamera took advantage of a weakness that conceivably someone at Captain America levels of power carrying a rocket launcher could have done. You can picture it, playing as a typical action RPG hero running along a cliff face or ruins dodging the predictable and easily seen coming giant head chops, waiting for the enemy to open those shuriken bomb ports, sure those bombs can do some damage but you time it to shoot your rockets into them or fire at the shuriken bombs to explode them before they launch, maybe a few shots, like six or eight as these things go, and the monster is done. You defeated another giant monster boss, like maybe the second or third boss before the tricky ones come along that don’t rely on just heavy strength and armor that would be totally immune to all your weapons if not for that one dumb weak point it has to open up and the fact it’s as dumb as a sack of potatoes.

 

 

 

6th movie: Gamera vs Jiger

 

    Okay some people in Japan decide to steal a giant statue from an island, the statue is called “The Devil’s Whistle”, guess Japanese archaeologists were taking some hints from British ones LoL. Just steal shit, even really big things and take them back to your own country to show off. So the native islanders try to stop them from taking the statue, which given human rights and all and the whole cost and effort of removal and transport should have been the end of that. Gamera shows up and tries to stop them from taking the statue…which REALLY should have been the end of that, but they shoot at Gamera, and a volcano erupts so Gamera gets busy, and they take the statue….despite the fact the natives and a giant monster pretty much said, “don’t do that, its stupid.” But hey, its just superstition what do the native know anyway (said every dead archaeologist in a horror/monster movie), but none of those also had (giant Earth guardian monster also warned against it). But hey, the super-hero is also just super….oh right a hundred foot tall fire breathing turtle…yeah when THAT takes issue with what you are doing, probably best not to do anything that at least you’d think would have IT coming after you.

 

   So on the voyage home some crew members become sick, others go insane. Despite this they still bring the statue home despite knowing it’s the cause of their problems. So back on the island the monster Jiger appears and fights Godzilla. Jiger shoots quills that impale straight through Gamera’s arms and legs, and pins Gamera on his back. Having successfully kicked Gamera’s ass and preventing him from moving or withdrawing his limbs to fly, Jiger leaves in the direction of the ship (instead of say impaling Gamera in the head with a quill just to be safe which it totally could have with the now helpless Gamera). A while later Gamera using his now super strong flexible tail, and apparently ultra strong native rocks able to support a 5,000 ton animal winching its self free of the crater. So Gamera then removes the quills and flies after Jiger.

 

 

   Turns out the sound the statue is making is hurting Jiger, driving it mad with pain, it is making a bee-line for the statue tearing through Osaka. Jiger reveals a heat-beam attack and vaporizes people and buildings, her quills able to take down fighter jets as well. So Gamera now returns, some kids are watching the fight between Gamera and Jiger. Gamera this time seems to do better, boxing around, that is until Jiger goes all Van Helsing on Gamera, she pulls one of her tail quills out and stabs Gamera in the chest with it (going through the shell and stabbing him in the lung), on top of that this quill lays an egg in Gamera’s lung, guess what long before the MUTO we had this parasitic Kaiju, then Gamera dies…well…pretty much. Gamera is in horrendous pain staggers away, collapse and turns white. Completely unconscious and dying as another Kaiju’s egg in his lung is both poisoning him and draining his energy to incubate.

 

   Thus Gamera has died, killed by a parasitic porcupine, and…hey…get away from there you stupid kids!

 

  Yes some children have jumped into the movie, oh these super smart children seeing Jiger throw the offending statue into the sea, and knowing the noise it made caused insanity in humans tell the scientists to study Gamera…they listen to the children, even though the sound was harming Jiger, and humans, and clearly a quill to the chest is what has presumably killed Gamera. Somehow they X-ray Gamera…okay…X-rays work by passing through soft tissue and not hard bone, obstrusions, with different intensities showing organs and such, that they could X-ray through the shell is just…dumb. IDW did this with Godzilla in the comics as an excuse for Kiryu and got called out on it by fans as it was even dumber then. People need to keep in mind how some of this stuff works. Any who, somehow a zoo director/doctor/sonic scientist determines from a black spot on Gamera’s lung where the quill impaled is a parasitic infant, even though giant quill and inflated tissue around impacted area caused by point of entry for venom would have been a more likely jumping to conclusion then later being surprised that a quill of all things acted as an ovipositor.

 

   The scientists decide they need to remove the egg to possibly save Gamera, so a team of biologists and radiologists suit up and….wait…the kids….seriously? Ooookaaay, the children grab some walkie talkies and a mini-sub…because going down Gamera’s mouth, trachea and into the lungs requires a mini-sub for some reason, they get out of the sub and walk around inside the giant living inferno monster’s lungs no problem….*hold nose between eyes* my god I hate remembering this scene. The kids, the grade school children with no education in animal biology, no equipment to detect radioactivity, or suits in case the fire spitting, saucer flying, monster might have an inferno inside its body, or have lungs full of a toxic gas.

 

  The baby has hatched, it doesn’t have quills yet but spits out a sticky goo, the parasitic infant attacks the unprepared children who have no safety equipment or weapons of any kind, and really nothing with them that could have been used to extract the egg come to think of it….so why bother going inside if they couldn’t do shit, so naturally they are killed…oops I mean the white noise static from their walkie talkies kills the baby. Yes the Jiger has a weakness..which we knew the whole time, certain sounds can not only hurt them but kill them, turns out the static on a walkie talkie was perfect for killing the baby…lucky kids.

 

  The scientists, who no doubt must be amazed the children are still alive given they sent them in there with no rational means to protect themselves in any fashion against anything, decide to set up giant speakers to stun Jiger. Meanwhile they figure out Gamera is still alive, but it can’t heal on its own, so they give the kids powerful electrical wires…are they trying to kill these kids?...*cough* I mean the kids take the powerful electrical wires and go back inside Gamera, this time somehow getting to his heart where they attach the wires; because we totally established by this point in the series that electricity is what Gamera uses for power right? Not like fire or anything right?  So in yet another example of movies not understanding how defibrillation works (it doesn’t start a stopped heart like how everything shows), especially not on something whose heart hasn’t been beating for like what, a day at this point. But it works regardless and Gamera revives.

 

  Play the final battle, Gamera displaying yet again clearly human level intelligence has figured out to avoid the quills, the stinger, and the heat ray has no effect on Gamera (a rare case of the series paying attention to its continuity), and smashes the impregnating tail and quills with a building, thus we learn Jiger is soft enough that buildings can be used as effective weapons yet Gamera using body slams and such does very little. Jiger has another weapon, a sonic attack, Gamera defends against it by putting telephone poles in his ears, and then it clicks on him, and he goes into the ocean and retrieves the statue, which Jiger should have smashed rather than thrown in the ocean, because this battle has been showing that Jiger is more durable than Gamera and while Gamera knows to avoid the quills, they are still capable of seriously harming him if he gets hit by them.

 

   Gamera flies into the air taunting Jiger with the statue…so ask yourself what comes next? Does Gamera like a hero in a game who found the perfect item for the boss use it, blow in it like a flute and make Jiger’s head explode? Well…no…that would have been dumb, but not as dumb as what happened, Gamera throws it at Jiger, and somehow this (STATUE) impales into Jiger’s head killing it….yeah…what Gamera failed to do with its own claws and powers just got done by a presumably made of stone relic. Gamera then takes the body back to its island and leaves it there…which actually seems odd like the movie is implying this weird monster might not be dead despite the brain impalement.

 

  But there we are, another Gamera kills his opponent one on one, and first time without using a weakness or weak point…unless you count that he was technically killed by this enemy and would have stayed that way if not for human intervention, and the second battle had humans blasting his opponent with a sound that was harming, and yet he still had to resort to using tools to finish the job, building, telephone polls, and a statue used as a spear basically. Hard to call this a real victory when he only learned what to avoid, and how to win AFTER he would have been killed by it, and both his revival and defeating the opponent required human intervention, not to mention the final blow was only possible because his enemy didn’t make it a point to actually destroy the relic instead just tossed it in the ocean.

  

 

7th movie: Godzilla vs Zigra:

 

  Sad to say, but this one looks like the budget went up a little bit, but is still pretty bad. This would also be the last of the true Showa era Gamera movies, made in 1971, nine years later another Gamera movie would be made, but it’s mostly stock footage.

 

  In the mean time; I will keep this short as this movie is mostly people standing around talking at a Japanese sea world about pollution and stuff. It was 1971, that sort of thing was the hot button at the time. Although like several Japanese movies of this time period despite everything clearly being the date the movie was made there are weird futuristic elements like a Moon Base.

 

  Basically what we have is an alien space ship, and a human like alien woman telling people she brings inside the space ship that she is from a race called Zigra whose home world was destroyed by pollution and they seek a new home, and plan to conquer the Earth thanks to their advanced technology and the humans should surrender. Well two adults taken into the ship are hypnotized, and two children (as usual) escape using the ship’s controls. The shark like super-computer in the ship tells the woman to go kill those children. The woman wants to kill all the humans of Japan, Zigra goes into this weird speech (which it shouldn’t have to explain such things to its own people…but this time it makes sense, as the woman was actually kidnapped….somehow…and is being used as a medium, even though the true Zigra can talk so shouldn’t need her for anything), it says humans live on land and eat the things in the sea, while it lives in the sea and eats things living on land (namely humans)…which is dumb, I guess in Japan it makes sense, but being an American watching this where 95% of my diet is land based animals and plants it was a confusing line.

 

  Well to jump ahead, the space ship was actually a giant space shark that can talk, it morphed its insides for some reason to imitate a space-ship (even to the point its own captives could use the controls to escape). So after the woman leaves to go hunt down the children, the Japanese Defense Forces, using the sea world park as a base for some reason, attack Zigra, in space ship form it defeats them with a laser. Gamera shows up to save the children when they call to Gamera for help, because Gamera is friend of children (this is said in the movie). So the space ship turns into a giant shark with glowing and blinking red spot on its nose that stands out as weird, anywho, it shoots a stun beam at Gamera. Gamera is stunned and sinks to the bottom of the ocean. Once again despite having the easy opening Gamera’s enemy opts not to finish the turtle off and instead this time it contacts the people of Earth demanding they surrender.

 

  The scientists of Earth learn Zigra uses a sonic wave to hypnotize people, and while breaking the spell on the two adults held captive also frees the woman from their control who turns out had been on the moon when the moon base was attacked by Zigra, who used her…despite now showing it clearly had no need to do so. So the humans decide to send down a vessel to wake up Gamera, the two children stowed away on board (which is very odd considering it was a bathysphere, which are notorious for being very cramped inside). Zigra rather than attacking coastlines, using more Earthquakes like it did earlier in the movie, to demand the humans surrender the Earth to him (I guess it wanted them to vocally express their surrender) says if they don’t surrender the Earth it will destroy the bathysphere with the two adults and two kids inside. Which…shows this monster is pretty stupid actually, despite being able to talk (not a real sign of intelligence), it assumes humans will surrender themselves as a willing food source and give up all political control of the planet, each and every government agreeing to it at once to just to save four people…who will also be on the monster’s menu anyway despite how ludicrous this demand is to start with. I mean….wait the UN representative agreed to Zigra’s terms…what the holy f***!?

 

   Never mind lightning revives Gamera, I guess they’ve decided at this point that electricity really is powering Gamera…and lucky for the world that despite the incredible incompetence of its leaders that lightning just happened at this very moment to strike Gamera, despite Gamera also being at the bottom of the sea…*cough* any who..Gamera rescues the people and commencing to fight Zigra. Zigra slices Gamera’s chest with its fins. Zigra is better underwater so Gamera takes the fight to the land, no doubt trying its luck at once again taking advantage of an elemental weakness, and drops Zigra on land (even though we know it can fly and…oh what?) instead of flying it morphs into an upright walking posture, officially destroying the theme of not a person in a costume this time. Well Gamera notices the blinking red nose gem and jams a boulder there, which stuns Zigra. While stunned on the ground, Zigra is helpless while Gamera takes a chicken nugget…I mean boulder and plays Zigra’s dorsal spines like a xylophone, playing the gamera theme music before it backs away and uses its fire breath to torch Zigra and kill it.

 

  So in its final movie, Gamera finally kills an opponent in one on one combat without needing tools (the nose thing was more to block its laser/stun beam) and not an actual weak point. Granted it seems that this monster was just dumb, it neglected to finish off its opponent even though it knew its own attack only stunned, and the incredible luck/divine intervention of a lightning bolt hitting something on the sea floor. All Gamera need was to take this dumb monster out of the water, block its stun beam, and set the dumb alien fish on fire. Given that, pretty sure the first time it came out of the sea to eat some people, or was spotted far out to sea, the military could have killed it. Then again this is a world where they were willing to surrender the Earth to a human eating monster to save four people from being eating by the human eating monster whose demands including being able to eat humans without the humans fighting back.

 

 

8th and final film of the Showa era,

Gamera super monster (this is debatable as really being part of the above series, made nine years later, and the company had changed hands, this was more a send off to Gamera as they felt they couldn’t do any more with the IP, and times were changing away from the kid friendly rubber suit monster, back to darker monster.

 

    This movie is mostly made of stock footage from past movies, and is basically a one shot children’s film with no concern for quality or intentions for the future. Basically the “Godzilla’s Revenge” of the Gamera series, except this series ended on this kind of note. Yes Showa Gamera for all its goofyness, ends not on another over the top plot hole ridden movie, its ends on that with also being a “clip episode”.

 

 

   Well the plot is pretty insulting to adults, children, women, fans of the genre, and everyone. Okay, an alien invades Earth, the Space Women (Earth’s super-heroes), can’t stop it, so these female heroines call upon an adolescent Japanese boy…(starting to sound like a slice of life harem anime plot…) who has a psychic connection with Gamera, the boy calls upon Gamera to fight off the alien invasion force…which consists of stock footage of Gyaos, Zigra, Viras, Jiger, Guiron, and Barugon. After the stock footage is over, Gamera self destructs to finish off the evil alien overlord, thus dying in a proud honorable way…and thus to defeat its most powerful opponent ever in the Showa era, the Showa era Gamera is forced to kill its self in the process.

 

   After writing that, I swear it sounds like an episode synopsis for a spoof anime of sci-fi movies…but this was actually made.

 

 

Without even going over each and every Showa era Godzilla film, I can honestly say if Godzilla vs Gamera was the two Showa incarnations fighting, Godzilla would not only win, it would win fairly easily, and kill Gamera. Gamera tries to pull that coma-healing thing Godzilla was never the type to walk away, Godzilla tended to finish off an opponent if they didn’t run away fast enough. Not to mention Godzilla fights tended to be about brute force and intense powers, pitting durability against durability, not weaknesses and weak points.

 

As a note it would be 15 years before they would reboot the Gamera franchise, the Heisei era series having only three movie, from 1995, 1996, and 1999. Then a break till 2006 with another reboot that featured only one movie, and none since then as of this post.



#3549 Rhuen

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Posted 05 June 2014 - 03:54 PM

   MUTO vs Toho monsters

 

Okay I will put my two cents in this,

 

First I would like to re-express my opinion that the MUTO weren’t about to successfully kill Godzilla in the movie, Godzilla was getting a beating there for a moment, but its not like he had huge open wounds, blood dripping, or missing pieces after he got up. He was just tripped and being smacked while trying to get back up, and looked about to in a split second of the scene just before the explosion. I could easily see him grab the male and throw him into the female.

 

  Also in any combination of fights, keep in mind what has and hasn’t harmed other Kaiju, remember for as strong and fast as the male MUTO is, he was impaled on metal objects, granted with enough force to knock down a building, but that same building that the male was impaled on part of, falling on Godzilla only winded Godzilla, get got out of the wreckage without a scratch on him, also no damage shown from the beating either.

 

  I also don’t combine monsters, different era, different monster.

 

 In fact I divide some up even more, like three different Showa Godzilla.

 

 1954 (the original, costic super-hot radioactive breath, fairly slow moving, and strength based on size, throwing some power lines, and tipping over bridges.)

 

Godzilla Raids Again – Mothra vs Godzilla: an aggressive, animalistic Godzilla, who loses to smarter opponents.

 

Ghidorah the Three Headed Monster – Terror of Mecha-Godzilla: this is a super-hero Godzilla with human level intelligence, incredible strength, and crazy agility, especially for its size (the victory dance and flying double kick for example), and could develop a new power at the drop of the hat (adapted to its opponents, like magnetism and being empowered by lightning, something that hurt the previous Godzilla).

 

Heisei Godzilla 1 (Godzilla Returns – first half of Godzilla vs King Ghidorah), pretty strong, and animalistic and such.)

 

Heisei Godzilla 2 (second half of Godzilla vs King Ghidorah – Godzilla vs Destoroyah) larger and empowered by more modern nuclear weapons, with a crazy powerful red atomic breath able to decapitate that era’s King Ghidorah)

 

Godzilla 2000 (I consider these smaller Godzilla to be the same type as the one in Godzilla vs Megaguirus), this one about the same size as Showa Godzilla has an atomic breath attack that can shoot down an alien hostile space craft and a nuclear blast able to blast apart Ogra. This one can also leap high into the air and body slam another monster.

 

GMK Godzilla (an evil spirit Godzilla, a really dangerous one that kills three monster gods).

 

Godzilla of M and SOS (a fairly strong Godzilla that took a great deal of damage and walked away.)

 

Final Wars Godzilla (this fellow was the Captain America of Godzillas, look at those legs, those muscles, how it moves, how fast it could move, and how it beat down everything one on one and its only challenge was a monstrously huge space overlord dragon thing…also it could shoot at a meteor with its beam.

 

Legendary Godzilla: the tallest so far, moves more naturally for its size, seriously thick armor, and cool beam but looks to be the third weakest beam so far.

 

*to save on space, this applies to several Kaiju, heck Mothra varies tremendously from just a giant high durability moth too (shape shifting to adapt Ultra moth *Leo*, the Heisei Mothra was the second most powerful Mothra, the weakest would be the original/SOS, second weakest GMK)



#3550 Rhuen

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Posted 11 June 2014 - 02:24 PM

6 sexist videogame problems bigger than breasts

http://www.cracked.c...r-than-breasts/

 

“saved the day” dressed as superheroes

http://www.cracked.c...as-superheroes/

 

5 things evolution left in our bodies

http://www.cracked.c...-your-body.html

 

If Miyazaki films were like common anime


Edited by Rhuen, 11 June 2014 - 02:24 PM.


#3551 Rhuen

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Posted 17 June 2014 - 04:16 PM

A series I am writing, I jump in and out of it at random.

 

   Rise of the Kaiju ongoing series

https://www.fictionp...se-of-the-Kaiju



#3552 Rhuen

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Posted 18 June 2014 - 04:45 PM

misunderstandings with huge consequences

http://www.cracked.c...nsequences_p15/

 

weird dinosaurs

http://www.cracked.c...t-know-existed/

 

retarded police standoffs

http://www.cracked.c...s-all-time.html

 

house rules

http://www.sandraand...e-to-larisa.png

 

amazing powers of animal butts

http://www.cracked.c...heir-butts.html



#3553 Rhuen

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Posted 24 June 2014 - 05:17 PM

expenses of fictional characters

http://www.cracked.c...-characters_p7/

 

movie scientists who sucked at their jobs

http://www.cracked.c...k-at-their-job/

 

awkward moments

http://www.cracked.c...imaginable_p11/



#3554 Rhuen

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Posted 01 July 2014 - 04:36 PM

Prometheus:

 

This little film has been dissected a good number of times so get the obvious out of the way

  

    (it is not a prequel to Alien, its NOT the origin of the Aliens *seeing as how they are in the background as sculptures*, its about weaponized Xenomorph DNA that mutates other lifeforms into monsters…and the whole plot makes more sense if you watch Guyver, which my knowledge of those movies and anime series is probably the only reason I could follow Prometheus)

 

   Anywho, first problem, well the people who agreed to a four year round trip without being debriefed BEFORE going or knowing what they were signing up for, and the people forgetting how to do their jobs and leaving common sense behind just for an excuse to kill them off are big holes in the story. Also the ending run sideways or diagonally and you might live issue; and various other things that are to blame on the script being re-worked from a (Prequel to Alien in which the Engineer was on the planet in Alien and had a Xenomorph inside him already) to what we got thanks to the guy who made the tv show Lost. Ridley Scott do not listen to this guy; also I would be on-board if he decided to remake this movie using the original script and just pretend Prometheus didn’t happen.

 

  Well that aside, second problem; the star map left behind by the Engineers….so….just to be clear these maps across different millennia and locations implies the Engineers made repeated trips back to Earth during different time periods and redrew this map…which doesn’t point to their home world but rather to a military base loaded with living weapons and the products to produce living weapons…nice…assholes. Also total lack of explanation as to why the Engineer when he woke up intended to bomb Earth…considering he was already in a safe location and in this draft of the script had no reason to be in stasis he could have taken off in that ship already and gone and done that.

 

   And I will cease now to try and make anymore sense of this movie; as its already been picked apart by others enough and any sneaky messages are totally lost by the fact that this was a butchered script. They took elements of the original made sense draft and took out the exposition and elements that would connect it directly to Alien, leaving in action scenes with total disconnect and context, and wrote in stuff intended to make the audience “wonder” like on Lost…but instead just annoyed them….like on Lost. (sorry don’t care what they say or what explanations they give I am convinced they just made shit up as they went on the show and that’s why their explanation for the ending doesn’t really match up what was on screen…at all.). This is how bad this movie is, I ended with a rant about a tv show unrelated to the movie.

 

  The moral of this movie: cool sets and creature effects aren’t enough to carry a movie anymore people, don’t think like 1960’s sci-fi writers.



#3555 Rhuen

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Posted 15 July 2014 - 05:53 PM

According to Wikipedia there are

17 Aliens games

6 Predator games

And

14 Aliens vs Predator games

 

Those numbers seem kind of light, but guess for a license that jumps companies, some of which have a hard time figuring out what to do with it besides (shooter)…looking at you Sega; and I will not be pre-ordering Isolation, because 1: this pre-order for exclusive content thing is a horrible marketing practice that would get any other business in trouble, imagine being told that pre-ordering a movie would give you exclusive scenes not shown in theater; but only at one specific retail chain, and these require a code entered each time the movie is viewed to prevent others from seeing it.

 

   Any who, the 2nd reason being I don’t care for survival horror anyway, and this game sounds like a big hide and seek with a ton of claims of an impressive adapting AI…that you just know is either going to be shit like Sega’s past claims at innovative AI or will be dumbed down after Beta-testers bitch. Lowest common denominator, its why Survival Horror games are mostly puzzle games and shooter/action games. This game sounds like its claiming to basically be one large hide and seek game; but with a large environment, pain in the ass stuff (sorry Sega but the whole looking at the motion detector means you can’t look in front of you is not realistic AT ALL, I could hold out a detector in front of me to see it and look foreword at the same time, it’s not a hard skill set.

 

  Besides, if there is only one unkillable alien, and unless its also targeting NPCs or multiple players then if it gets too smart this could be a very short game. I mean it would figure out even if you hide from it, that its one and only prey is in one general area and stick around there. I just don’t see this working with a smart AI, and with a dumb AI it defeats the purpose. The description sounds like a mini-game tacked onto a larger game. Like Aliens vs Predator, like a game of tag/ hide and seek, where one player is the human and the other the (Alien or Predator), the human player has to get across the map to the safety spot to win, the alien species player has to hunt them down. Which would just be one of many mini-games; they said it themselves the original idea was to have one player using the alien and the other the human; but you can’t make THAT and expect anyone to pay 50 bucks plus for it. SO doing the same thing, only with an AI from Sega…seems…less worth the money.

 

   That of course was a tangent, the real point was I was looking into why there hasn’t been any Anime or Manga of Aliens and/or Predator. Well it seems there were Aliens and Predator games in Japan (including one Japan only game) back in the late 1980’s and throughout the 1990’s….however for some reason since 2000 (barring that most on the list are mobile phone games), not a single videogame title has even released in Japan; in fact most only released in North America and Europe, with a few also in Australia. So for over a decade there hasn’t been ANY Aliens or Predator games released in Japan…which is really weird considering Sega has had the license for this decade. In fact Isolation is only slated for a North American and European release.

 

   This lack of video games, could be a distinct reason for a lack of an Anime, especially as it really hasn’t been till after 2000 that Japanese anime companies turned their eyes towards Western franchises as actual titles (rather than just reworking the concepts…eyeing you numerous X-men wannabe anime titles….). I wander why though Sega isn’t releasing any of their aliens and predator stuff back in Japan. Aside from maybe using us like quality testers, finding it sucks and not wanting it to hurt their reputation back in their home country.