Im a 16 year old girl who has been interested in vampires for what seems like forever... I remember when I was a little girl, my favorite movie was Interview of the Vampire. Vampire movies are still my favorite and I watch everyone I can get my hands on. When I saw Queen of the Damned... the whole thing just seemed to call out to me... like I knew something else was out there and I knew I was somehow connected to it. To be honest, after seeing that movie I started researching everything on vampires and I scared the hell out of my Christian church school. Im not stereotyping the real vampires as all being "goths" but many that I have seen or read about or whatnot, happen to be. I began getting into the goth lifestyle. Blood has always fascinated me... I had always been told that blood tastes gross and so for the majority of my life, I never thought to try it though I couldnt help but stare at it in wonder. Then came the day I tasted it... I felt intoxicated, it gave me a sort of high, like I was out of this world whenever I tasted it. I began cutting myself to get it because I would get so desperate. I have a major blood fetish I guess you can say. I havent had blood for over a year now... I get headaches horrible everyday, sometime 10 or more times a day and they happen for no reason. They just hit me out of no where and I grab my head in pain... like someone takes a hammer and just hits my head extremely hard. All my doctors are worried and think there is a major problem and Ive had several tests done on my head for them, last week I had an MRI. I feel constantly drained and sleep over 14 hours out of the day and Im exhausted when Im not sleeping.... Im constantly hungry and I eat and eat and eat (somehow managing to stay nice and thin lol) but nothing ever satisfys the hunger I feel. Everytime I see blood I just get fixated on it and I find myself staring at peoples wrists watching their veins... Ive been like this for years now... everytime I go without blood for long periods of time it seems. I have thought deeply about vampirism and whether or not that could be a choice to describe what is going on with me. My rational part tells me Im being ridiculoud even considering it but it just feels... right... I have always known something else was out there and felt connected to it somehow and when I began looking into vampirism, it felt as if I had found somewhat of an answer. Vampires supposedly have heightened senses... thats the one thing that throws me off, for my eyesight it very poor without contacts. I tend to smell, hear, see, feel, and taste things other people cannot, my psychiatrists blame that on my bipolar disorder they have labeled me with. I am going to sound like a crazy person here because its when the person really believes in something (the doctors tell me) that they are truly crazy and deluded, but I really dont think any of what I "hallucinate" are hallucinations... I have been put on antipsychotics for my hallucinations and delusions about "some other place out there". I can smell when something is rotten in my kitchen from out my front door (opposite ends of the house)... but really my eyesight is what throws me off... I dont know if every vampire has heightened sight or not, but I surely do not, though some of my other senses are very heightened. Also Im a natural redhead so I have always burned VERY easliy and quickly but I never thought much of it because of my fair skin. It will be dusk and I will still be squinting because its too bright outside for me. It all just makes sense for me to be in the process of awakening... Ok well the whole point of this post is to ask whether any of you who read this, agree with me or have any information that could help me decide. Thanks for your time, I know this was a long one.
Sincerely,
AnkhsTragedy