Hi Everyone I'm very very new at this, so please be kind yet honest. This is a very short poem to start with.

Eternal Slumber Part 1

My broken wings no longer carry me into flight
No longer will the sun caress my wings
No longer will I touch the moonlit sky
Thinking of you
I hide further away inside myself.
The sun shines but my eyes are closed
I slumber deep so that I can no longer see
what I can never have.

Lack Of epiphany

It all seems so unjust and so unfair.

There are so many places and things I planed

to see. So many words I’ve yet to say.

But I’ll never get the chance it appears, I’ve

thrown it all away.

I’ve thrown everything away

and I can never get it back no matter how

hard I try.

So many regrets, so many tears I’ve cried.

In vain

Nothing changes no matter how much you

hurt.

You just hurt and that’s it.

No angel giving you hugs and kisses


offering to make it all better.

There is no beauty in hurting

No poetry in dying alone.

Suffering has no purpose.

You just hurt and that’s it.

Nothing more nothing less

Maybe you let go of the pain long enough

to talk your self off the edge of despair

and then call it an epiphany.

The lack of an epiphany during despair is

called suicide.

okay...you want me to be honest? Eternal Slumber Part 1 is alright, but try not to repeat yourself...i'll show you what I mean:
"My broken wings no longer carry me into flight
No longer will the sun caress my wings"
you used the word "wings" twice in the lines which follow each other. How about "no longer will the sun caress them"? We (the reader will know what you're talking about since you mentioned them in the line before...it's up to you though. after all it IS your work!
Lack Of epiphany is brilliant. It's a work of art. seriously. get it published.

Welcome to the forums :)


*TIM*

Thanks for your honest thoughts on my first work Eternal Slumber, I see your point and your right. I'm new at this so you said what I needed to hear.
And on Lack Of Epiphany..wow, I'm very pleased that you like it. It came straight from my heart.
Honestly, I thought that was going to be the one that many people found flawed.
Thanks for taking the time to read my work.

I know I should not repeat myself but I can't help it. Maybe it will be my trade mark. well anyway here is another one:

Look over your shoulder
I hate
the sound of your voice
your phoney kindness
Decaying from the inside
I hate
Don’t try to change me
These feeling I have grow stronger with each passing day
Everything around me is turning black
I hate
and I think I like it
There is power in this anger there is strength in my rage
You thought I was weak before but I’m not weak now
Are you scared ? You should be
I hate
And I’m coming for you

Wow such feeling, You really have a great tallent
I hope to read more soon.
Although you ask for people to be honest try to remember that its where the poetry comes from that counts not how its structured
And peoples oppinions are just that, carry on writing from the heart and you wont go far wrong.

i agree with hungerand pain ...your stuff is good ..dont tie yourself down with structure or worry about repeating yourself ...its your poetry you can do what you want ......you write very well ..i look forward to more .

julian

I will have to agree with hunger and Julian.....its your feeling and thought put into it if you changed it just because someone said to it wouldn't be heartfelt or you....your work is lovely....

Lesa....

I think because I'm new to writing I'm scared to break some "rule" . I'm always looking for something to hold onto instead of moving freely.
I was reading online about "writing" and when I tried to do what they told me -nothing came.
Everyone here is soo talented and I see people posting several pieces a day. I'm amazed at how prolific many of you are.
Its odd having people like what I write because it just comes to me so I really don't try. And because I don't "try" I feel like. "gee, this can't be right"

Thanks for your comments and kind words, its been a great encouragement to me.

I agree with the wise ones who told you to write from the heart.
Screw the rules, when something is truly felt, it comes across on the page(screen).

I paint in oils and every time I try to paint what I think someone wants to BUY, it looks like shit and doesn't sell. When I sit and paint what my heart feels, someone always loves it.

Morg

Through It All

You think you know me but you don't
I'm behind by every pair of eyes
I am beautiful blue skies
I am darkness and decay
I show myself to you in every form on every day
You've blinded yourself from me
But I can still see
you
I see you for who and what you are
and I love you
I love you when you kick, scream and yell at me for messing up your life.
I'm the voice inside your head that tells you to put down the knife
If only you'd look at me I could stop the pain
If only you'd hear my voice I could take away your shame

I enjoy your poetry, it's subtle in an admirable fashion :)

The use of repitition is not always a bad thing either, it depends on the poem really.... I use repition in my poem 'My Hacksaw Sings Songs' for atmospheric purposes, plus I might make it into a song....

Poetry is to be made by what your inner self tells you to write, and to portray.... poetry is not to conform....

I look forward to seeing more of your work.

Thank you for reading my work.
I'ts funny because as you were writing this post I was reading "My Hacksaw Sings Songs" and I liked it.

I liked the repitition of it. And it was very raw and honest.
It will make an interesting song. I hope to hear it someday!

its so hard to be new at something but i like to tell myself that eventually it'll all be worth it :10:
love your stuff btw, especially lack of epiphany (lestattheblackhearted was dead on with that one because its really a wonderful piece). i also agree with saint_morgana, its better when things come straight from the heart, but i tend to think that certain works could use a few screenings and editings in order to convey more clearly, more beautifully, all that you feel within. paintings can be different from words in that words can be better manipulated and changed whereas visual art can be ruined entirely when changed.
be back for sure :24:
~SHEART~

Thanks sheart I'm glad you like my work so far:
I agree it is very hard to be "new" at something. Sometimes I get caught up with trying to make it "perfect" that I lose the feelings behind the words and the piece loses its life.

Follow my heart is what I will try to do!

there are no rules, just tips on how to make a piece of work flow better. heh i guess i can compare poetry to skateboarding.. i guess only i could do that. anyway like bearings, you can buy the bearings that flow so smooth and silent and continue forever in tranquility ,or some cheap bearings that are loud, abnoxious and really..well dont do as well. anything that you can pick up by reading either in your thread or others you must remember if you want to grow with writing over time. i know i have grown a lot. thats the great thing about poetry, there are no rules or boundaries.

i used to not try either. i just wrote so i could get better and now i have to in a way to vent my emotions. dont worry, your doing the right thing. anway i am done rambling on. here is what i may suggest.

Thanks for the suggestion, I felt that part did not flow correctly. But i did not know what I should do to try and make it better.
I'll try your suggestions.
Its the little things that I don't know that I will learn along the way.
Thanks for the tip!!!

your work is good, hope to see more.

deadly