MY NIGHTMARE

THE TEARS FALL
TO THE FLOOR
A PUDDLE OF PAIN
I HEAD FOR THE DOOR
THE DOOR I THOUGHT
WOULD TAKE ME HOME
BUT DARKNESS AND SILENCE
IS ALL IT SHOWN
I STAMMER DOWN THE HALL
THE HALL I KNEW SO WELL
BUT NO LONGER NOW
NOT AFTER THE TEARS FELL
THERE’S NO ONE AROUND
I’M ALL ALONE
THERE’S NO ONE AROUND
NOT A WHISPER, NOT A MOAN
MY HEART BEATS FASTER
LIKE IT IS COMING OUT OF ME
I OPEN THE DOOR
ONLY TO SEE
ANOTHER HALL
IN FRONT OF ME
ANOTHER HALL
LONG AND DARK
ANOTHER HALL
I KNEW IN MY HEART
MY HEART BEATS FASTER
THE TEARS COME AGAIN
IF I COULD ONLY GO BACK
TO THE HAPPINESS WHEN
THIS HALL WAS STILL LIGHT
NO TEARS ON THE GROUND
NO PAIN, NO FEAR
NO SADNESS FOUND
I TURN BACK AGAIN
ONLY TO SEE
THE DARK AND SILENCE
IN FRONT OF ME
I STAMMER DOWN THE HALL
THE HALL I KNEW SO WELL
BUT NO LONGER NOW
NOT AFTER THE TEARS FELL
[FONT=Courier]

i really like this
and it honestly is a very good choice for your first peice

i'm quite new aswell

so i'm not so sure i'm the one that sould offer any advice
thou its just a lil constructive critsim

lol n btw -
my spelling is compleatly revolting in some of my pomes so take as nothing big

your form could use a lil work
it just off sets the beat a little for myself

other then that i liked the thought and images behind your poem

good job -and - keep up the good work

Falin:bunny000:

Wow!! nice poem, deep and the repetition of the hall adds to the emphasis of fear! good job!

Hey; I have been writing for a while and I am ust kneo comfortable enough to share them. If you have any suggestions or comments please let me know. Have an awesome day.

FALLING FOREVER

FALLING, FALLING
INTO THE DEEP BLACK AND WHITE
NO WHERE TO TURNIS ANYONE THERE?
SOMEONE PLEASE SAVE ME
TURNING, YEARNING
FOR A BRIGHT LIGHT
EVERYTHING IS LOST
EVERYTHING IS OUT OF SIGHT
I’M STUCK
NO ONE IS HERE
MY HEART CANNOT MEND
I AM ALMOST THERE
BUT IT’S ONLY A DEAD END
I THOUGHT I WAS THROUGH
FINISHED WITH THE DREAM
BUT ONCE AGAIN I WAS WRONG
FALLING FOREVER IT SEEMS
I REACH THE BOTTOM
THE END I DID NOT FIND
BUT ONLY ANOTHER FALL
TRAPPED IN MY MIND

~BRITNEY BENEDICT
NO WHERE TO HIDE
SPINNING, SPINNING
I CANNOT SEE

Wow.....*smiles* I like them...both of them....I hope you post more

-freak-

hey, you know i love your poems, lol. I hope to read a new one soon. Oh, and how rude, no one has Welcomed you to the Forum yet. Oh well, Welcome. lol ttyl


Jennifer

yes, welcome to the forum. im not that old here myself, but already it has become a home to me. i love it. did you read the important information, it tells what this place allows and doesn't allow. i didn't untill just yesterday and thier where 2 things that i did that i wasn't supose to do, and i don't want you to make that mistake. and nice work by the way, the 1st one was the best.

oops i just realized the i spelled suppose wrong and i put the wrong there. lol

Wow I like them I like thier flow. Your a great affition to the fourm. YOu are more than welcom to visit my thread of Poetry...Ramblings of a hopless romantic...But mine don't flow off the tounge as well as yours can't wait to read more...

:5:

Hey, where r your new poems. I cant read them, and i know some of the people that posted on you thread r wanting to read more to, so come on, lol. ttyl, oh, yea, come see my thread i added some more i think you may like.

:wub:
Jennifer

*sitting on edge of seat* can't wait for more!!!!

deadly

Thank you so much for all the comments! Here is a new one please let me know how you like this one! I will post more later!

WITHOUT

I’M STANDING ON THE BALCONY
SOBBING WITHOUT CAUSE
DROWNING IN MY TEARS
EVERYTHING IS LOST
I THOUGHT I HAD IT FIGURED OUT
I THOUGHT I WAS STRONG
NOT WITHOUT YOU
I WAS ALL WRONG
WHEN I AM NOT WITH YOU
I AM IN THE WRONG PLACE
WITHOUT YOUR SMILE
IF I CAN’T SEE YOUR FACE
I CAN’T GO ON
OR TAKE ANOTHER BREATH
SAY ANOTHER WORD
OR TAKE ANOTHER STEP
WITHOUT YOU
MY DAYS ARE ALL THE SAME
NO ONE TO MAKE ME SMILE
NO MORE OF OUR GAMES
NO MORE PLANS
TO BE TOGETHER
NO MORE PLANS
FOR FOREVER
THE SPARKLE WILL DIM
AND BECOME FOREVER FAINT
WITHOUT MY LOVE
LIFE I CAN’T TAKE
WITHOUT YOU
MY JOY IS GONE
MY SMILE WILL DIE AWAY
I WILL BE ALONE
YOU ARE MY HAPPINESS
MY ONLY DESIRE
YOU ARE MY LIGHT
YOU ARE MY FIRE
DON’T LEAVE ME HERE AGAIN
ON THE BALCONY IN THE DARK
WITH A BROKEN SMILE
AND A BROKEN HEART

Let me know thanks a bunch! Forever in love ~innocent

Sorry I forgot to post this one! This is one of my favorites.

DAYDREAMING AT NIGHT

I CAN FEEL YOU CLOSE
FEEL YOUR BREATH AGAINST MY FACE
I CAN FEEL YOU CLOSE
IT’S SO REAL I CAN TASTE
IT’S LIKE YOUR RIGHT BESIDE ME
EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE FAR AWAY
I REACH FOR YOU AND ALMOST HEAR
EVERY WORD YOU SAY
I FEEL YOUR FACE UPON MY PALM
YOUR HANDS ALL OVER ME
YOU’RE SO CLOSE THAT I CAN TOUCH
BUT AN EMPTY BED I SEE
IT WAS JUST A DREAM
MY MIND WINS AGAIN
YOU AND I ALONE
WHEN WILL IT BE, WHEN?
I TOSS AND TURN
UNTIL I FIND SLEEP
AND DREAM ONCE AGAIN
OF YOUR BREATH AGAINST MY CHEEK
YOU LAY RIGHT BESIDE ME
AND SHIELD ME FROM MY FEARS
WRAPPED UP IN YOU ARMS
I WILL WAIT FOR YOU, DEAR
I WAIT UNTIL
WE CAN BE TOGETHER
I WAIT UNTIL
WE LAST FOREVER
BUT UNTIL THAT DAY
WHEN EVERYTHING IS RIGHT
I‘LL KEEP HOPING, PRAYING
AND DAYDREAMING AT NIGHT

Wow both of those were a pleasure to read.
:5:

i liked the last two poems very much ......good imagery in both ...keep it up cos ill read them ...looking forward to more...

I loved the last post...Very good imagery, and a lot of passion is felt...Nice work <3

Hey thanks! This one might need work it was one of my firsts. Thanks so much! ~innocent

ONE MORE TIME

I AM HOME IN YOUR ARMS
YOUR LIPS AGAINST MY SKIN
TREMBLING WITH EMOTION
YOU ARE MY SWEETEST SIN
WHISPER IN THE SOFTEST VOICE
SWEET NOTHINGS IN MY EAR
RUN YOUR HANDS ALL OVER ME
LET ME KNOW YOU’RE HERE
I SEE YOUR SHADOW DANCING
UPON MY DARK WALL
YOUR BODY PRESSING AGAINST ME
ONCE AGAIN I FALL
I FALL INTO YOU LOVING ARMS
AND KISS YOUR LIPS SO SOFT
YOU HOLD ME TIGHT, YOUR SWEET EMBRACE
WILL NOT SOON BE LOST
MY MIND GOING ROUND AND ROUND
WILL THIS BE OUR LAST TIME?
MY THOUGHTS ARE BROUGHT TO EASE
WHEN I HEAR, “FOREVER, YOU’LL BE MINE”
I SEAL YOU WORDS WITH ONE LAST KISS
AND LAY MY HEAD TO REST
AND WAIT IN QUIET EVERY DAY
FOR ONE MORE NIGHT LIKE THIS
AS I WAIT IN QUIET
THERE IS ONE THOUGHT ON MY MIND
NEVER LET THIS GO AWAY
PROMISE ME ONE MORE TIME
I WISH FOR ONLY ONE
BUT MORE MY HEART DESIRES
NOTHING BUT YOUR SWEET, SOFT TOUCH
CAN CONTROL THIS BURNING FIRE
SO I LAY IN QUIET
AND WAIT FOR YOU
TO BRING ME HOME
TO CARRY ME THROUGH
WHEN THE MOON RISES AGAIN
COME IN MY DOOR
TAKE ME TO ANTOHER PLACE
LEAVE ME WANTING MORE
OVER AND OVER
PRESS YOUR LIPS AGAINTS MINE
PROMISE ME YOU’LL COME AGAIN
PROMISE ME ONE MORE TIME

i liked ur work.... it's very good
liked the passion in "one more time"
keep it up

cheers

once again what can i say ....your work is wonderfull ..it pulls me in and holds me there ...i like it ...more please

julian

Hey, I really liked the last 2. I really hope you post more soon, for other people besides me want to read it. ttyl


Jennifer

wow, i really like one more time!!! how long have you been writing? hope to see more

deadly

Hey Guys,
Thank you so much for the coments!

~innocent

MY PARADISE

YOU KISS LEAVES ME BREATHLESS
YOUR TOUCH TAKES ME AWAY
YOUR VOICE IS LIKE MUSIC
A SONG, EVERY WORD YOU SAY
YOU SOFTLY RUN YOUR FINGERS
OVER MY SKIN TREMBLING WEAK
OUR BREATH IS ALL THAT’S BETWEEN US
I LAY MY HAND UPON YOUR CHEEK
YOU SOFTLY TOUCH MY HAND
AND KISS MY SHIVERING LIPS
SO TENDER AND WARM
I KISS YOUR FINGER TIPS
MY HEART RACES
I CAN BARELY TAKE A BREATH
SHAKING WITH PASSION
WITH YOUR HANDS UPON MY CHEST
I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE THIS PLACE
THIS PERFECT PARADISE
WRAPPED UP IN YOUR LOVING ARMS
AS WE ARE HERE TONIGHT
I PLACE MY HAND UPON YOUR CHEST
OUR HEARTS BEAT AS ONE
I WANT TO BE TOGETHER HERE
UNTIL OUR DAYS ARE DONE
IS THIS A REALITY?
OR A DREAM WITHIN
I CAN FEEL YOUR LOVE FOR ME
IN YOUR HANDS AGAINST MY SKIN
WE BATHE UNDER THE STARS
UNTIL THE SUNRISE BURNS THE SKY
IN A SEA OF COVERS WARM
I SEE MY HEART IN WITHIN YOUR EYES
HOLDING ME YOU WHISPER
“MY LOVE IS TIMELESS IN YOUR EYES”
STAY WITH ME FOREVER
IN THIS PERFECT PARADISE

wow outstanding!!! loved it. can't wait for more!

love kelsey

i personally enjoyed the first poem the most. it was very good.

as for constructive criticism.. the only thing i can say is do not use the same word more than once. i'll show you what i mean. ehmm

with all my heart
you are my love
you keep me from falling apart
loving to know you are from above

it takes away from the poem. but anyway, that is all i can say really. love your work ,so other than this it is flawless. to take what i say is up to you. it is only a mere opinion from but a single person.