If I Ever Become A Vampire Credo

1. I shall wear tweed, and cheerful bright clothing. Further, I shall only wear trenchcoats if it is raining or foggy.

2. I will not take my victims home. My neighbors are far too nosy.

3. I will be secure in my immortality. I do not have to share my story with any reporter or struggling writer.

4. I will not purchase an expensive foreign sports car or motorcycle. An economical, multi-terrain vehicle with 4-wheel drive will be just fine.

5. I will immediately become Agnostic, disarming any cross-wielding religious maniacs.

6. I shall not keep a coffin in the basement, because that's the first place people look.

7. I shall immediately purchase a Hooked on Phonics tape, in order to lose any Romanian accents I may have.

8. My ghouls shall have good posture.

9. I will purchase a digital watch with an alarm. I will set this alarm for TWO hours before sunrise, giving ample time for traffic and other inconveniences.

10. If I feel truly alone, and need a companion to share all of eternity with, I shall purchase a dog. Preferably one that is not larger than I am.

11. If the neighborhood kids are snooping around my house, I will not change into a giant wolf and attempt to destroy them. Instead, I shall call the police and have them arrested for trespassing.

12. If I believe far too many people are becoming suspicious, I shall not attempt to kill them all. I will simply move, and leave no forwarding address.

13. There is no logical reason for someone to mistake another human being for a fifteen-foot bat, not even in hysteria. Therefore, I shall refrain from such transformations in public.

14. Artists are over-emotional and unstable. I shall not keep company with them whatsoever.

15. I will not attend gatherings of my own kind. If I'm a lethal killing machine, doomed for all eternity to destroy those around me, they probably are too.

and of course a little complaints are always welcome...

Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires

15. Goth look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.

14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.

13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.

12. Daylight Savings Time.

11. Thanks to Anne Rice, Blade and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, now EVERYONE knows your weaknesses.

10. After 45 years of Communist rule it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.

9. After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.

8. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.

7. With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits.

6. No warm blood for miles around DC.

5. Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein and Rayban photo shoots.

4. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.

3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."

2. Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.

1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.


just a little help with those still trying to cope with their vampire nature.

:lol:

~Thats !@#$ hillariouse you have a great sense of humour Saintsinner,thats for the thread it made my day I loved it ha ha ha. :lol:

Lol, yeah, that really brightened up a bad day.

:lol: :lol: :lol:
cool

good work man. Except I think you are missing out if you boycot artists...

classic....

Is good... :D i like it

~laughing~.....well, well, well.... take a wrong turn did you.

Nice to see you back Saint. And looook...... playing nice with the other children........ you sure this is really you.....~laughs~

You are going to give all these new folks the impression that you are a nice man..... wonder how long that willl last......~snickers~

Hands him his usual coke...... along with a smile.
Bids him good morning.... and heads off to pass out the body armor.

Hey y'all...... Saintsinner is back....... ~giggles~

Bumped for awesomeness. ^_^

That was funny. You left off the complaint about the modern excess use of garlic in popular foods.

It really is rather 80s, too... we should work on updating it.

Okay-
There is garlic on everything these days.
Uhm, transfatty acids go straight to undead hips?
Harder to find that well-smoked flavor?
Global warming is more a threat to those who can die of sunburn?
Have to work your ass off to keep from being called "emo"...

You have any others?

I just laughed at this! I could do nothing else.

Nice. The sarcasism makes it that much sweeter. *laughs*

Ha ha...

Not one word of that was in the least bit smartassed at all. Very funny. And a lot of us here have actually done these things. Though we will never admit them. What's odd though man, is that I didn't know you exsisted until this thread... Good work. And POST more often!!!

You have not seen Saintsinner post because he has not been here for over two years, this thread is nearly 5 years old. It seems someone has been wandering around in the basement digging through the archives again. ~smiles~

It would be wonderful to have Saint here again, stirring up the place. Who knows ... some of us manage to show up after long absences, perhaps he will as well.

only fools know vampires as fairytail creatures

Hear hear, Duality!

And this was absolutely hilarous.

That first part is so going up on my wall of fame, haha.

ahhhhhhhhhhhh this was funny.

And speaking as another long time intermittant returnee, lets hope the thread starter returns.

And he started this thread before I even joined :)

F@*&ING SICK!!!!!

and is that a bad thing?

The undead thread returneth?

Yes, it's been disinterred.

And again it returns like the undead themselves.