This is the first poem I've written that I've actually been satisfied with... but I need some opinions.

"Outkast"

Lying in a field of pain and sorrow,
this strange little girl sees no tomorrow,
she sees the secrets you hold inside,
and all the things you try to hide,
her pale skin is stitched with beauty,
but her heart is torn with hate,
and as the autumn fades to grey,
the people she loves will turn away,
and when the shards of night shatter farther,
her heart turns black as it grows harder

Please let me respond and let me know what you think...
-morbidheart-

I think the second to last line is kinda long, but otherwise its really good. more? post!

I also would like to see another sample. Your poems seem quite intriguing. ^_^

first of all, content-wise, i like your poem. it's dark, but i like it.

on the technical side, i have a few comments and a question.
1. was "Outkast" misspelt on purpose?

2. the flow breaks with these two lines, this was probably intentional, but it might be a good idea to space them out from the rest of the poem (one space before one space after) to indicate that you intend for them to be different

3. i don't think the second last line is too long, but it doesn't flow for me in terms of rhyme. might just be the accept i'm reading it in, i don't know


it's definitely a good start :)
welcome to the board and keep writing :)

really liked your poem hopefully we get to see more???? you really should keep posting. your talented from the one youve all reday posted. ^_^
and remember it doesnt matter if we dont like it its just your way of expressing your self.

This is my Favourite line to your Poem....But yeah i like the whole poem as well its really good your definatly away better writter then i am
your definatly talented brownie points for you lolz :devilnaughty:

morbidheart here... thank you for all your advice and compiments. i never thought my poems were that good. yes... i do have another one that i want to post. and i will take all advice into concideration. thanks
-morbidheart-

your poem is good I like it keep posting and writing more it will help your talent grow stronger welcome to the forums and keep up the good work

ok... here it is. this is the other poem i said that i wanted to post. enjoy... complaing... all will be accepted.

*Lost Soul*

I stand in the shadows,
bound by my own fears,
screaming for someone to save me,
and wipe away these crimson tears,
Im punished for my sinful need
to taste immortality,
as I hear your tainted lulliby,
Im fading faster from reality,

I let out one more painful cry,
only to hear it echo further in my head,

no I rest in peace under lock and key,
my soul is yours for all eternity.


***thank you dark_elements for all the pointers and advice. i did take them into consideration as i said i would. and i used ur advice in this poem here. yes... "outkast" was intentionally spelled incorrectly, made to represent how this little girl is seen different through the eyes of those around her. as for the break of the flow... i kinda like how it works in there, and i really liked that line and wanted to keep it. i probably should've explained how my mind works before. lol thank you all again.***
-morbidheart-

Your poem is good. I definatly hope to see more. I'll keep looking.

I think you should make them longer..cause they are very good, but I find them short. Dunno, but keep them coming!

thank you filthysafetypins... one of my friends told me that its just too long... but i agree with you. lol i shall try to post more soon... for those of you who enjoyed them. and i wll try to make them longer... i have a short story i want to get out of my head and onto paper, so maybe you will see that soon too. well thanx again.
-morbidheart-

*Lost Soul* was beautiful, I loved the first 8 lines but the rest didn't flow nor rhyme the same. I know that that was indeed intentional, but I really do like the poem. Maybe you should keep adding to the poem in the same style as you wrote the first 8 lines until it is complete. I find that you can do so much more with your talent. I kinda get the feeling that you lost your train of thought near the end or something. Or maybe its just the feeling I'm getting.



I really liked these lines, especially the last and the first. You have a way with words.



I really don't like the first line. I think its just the lock and key part it's been so overdone everywhere. Even in some of my poems lol.

I tried to make it flow a little better, (rhyming wyze) while trying to keep to same feeling to the poem. There's just a few sudgestions after all.

""I let out one more painful cry,
Echoing in my head as time goes by

I will lay to rest my tortured entity
my soul is yours for all eternity.""

-deathkitten-
wow... i like ur suggestions... ur right... i did kinda lose my train of thought during that one... and i was writting it while i was tired... and i do need to continue with it. but u too have a way with words... and thank you again for your suggestions. i messed up on the last two lines... instead of "no i rest in peace" it was supposed to be "noW i rest in peace" but i was never really happy with the end either... i was just settling because i thought that was the best i could do with it. i have a problem with lack of patience and quick judgement on things i do. lol. thanks again...
-morbidheart-

hello everyone... this is one of my newest poems. im going to post them one at a time though. i hope you all like it. (there really is no "rhyme" to it... but i like it. i hope you do to)
-morbidhear-


*BEFORE THE BOTTOM*

unable to breath...

here I am
pushing it all aside
lost again
wanting everything in flames

a peaceful grin
im falling forward
into eternity
my only escape

things in my head
my only friends...

I've drowned myself in this
I'm not me
not anymore

i could be something greater
greater than before
the one you knew is fading faster

pushed aside
shoved back
away from reality

I've become something new
there's a truth in all your lies
a sparkle left in your eyes

there's a mening to your madness
theres a chorus to this sadness

I know you
I've been you
I was you...

before the bottom

.poems dont have to rhymn. . write them how you want. .
this is a great poem. . . . .confused me slightly thought. . .i couldn't find a direct meaning just loads of meanings all mixed together!!, i'm not saying this is a bad thing. . .just confusing. . . i'd love to see more so keep posting!!!1

Thank you for responding skadi. This poem confused me too, but to be completely honest, this is how my mind sometimes works. lol. It sometimes races with these different things, different meanings all pushed together. I will have more very soon. (note that not ALL my poems are this confusing, I will try to make sense of them.)lol
-morbidheart-

Good poem. I liked it. Confusing yes, but so is life. Without confusion, there would be a blank spot on the page where life should be written. I really hope to see more.

I just finished this one. I think it's really good, but thats just me. Please let me know what you think.

*DISTANT*

I feel so distant...
your a thousand miles away
to feel your touch for an instant
to live in heaven for just one day

behind the glass...
I'm outside looking in
no matter how hard i try
you simply pass me by

I'm calling out your name...
but you can't hear a word I say
I'm nothing to you
you don't even look my way

I guess I'll fade from existance...
the years will pass me by
still standing in the distance
as I slowly bleed and die


(i hope u all enjoyed it. i'm not joking when i say that i JUST got done with it. i only took time to read it, then i wanted to share it with all of u.)
-morbidheart-

i like it. reminds me of myself and this boy i used to really like. got over him tho. and u know wat he turned out to be bi! not that i have anything against it!!!! it just creeps me out.

same here and my mind tends to work the same as your morbid. just pushing everything together. gets hard to focas on one thing sometimes. oh and keep posting pleazz!!!!!

Please keep all of your works in one topic. Thanks.

here's my latest poem. i like it, but i dont think anyone else thinks its good. but hey, my thoughts, my poem, my only way of expression. well here it is... enjoy. and let me know what you think

*DISTANT*

i feel so distant...
you're a thousand miles away
to feel your touch for an instant
to live in heaven for just one day

behind the glass...
i'm outside looking in
no matter how hard i try
you simply pass me by

i'm calling out your name...
but you can't hear a word i say
i'm nothing to you
you don't even look my way

i guess i'll fade from existance...
the years will pass me by
still standing in the distance
as i slowly bleed and die

This is your last warning, Keep all of your work in one topic or you will be moderated.

thanks for taking the time to look at my poems. i'll make sure i keep them all under one topic. anyway, just wanted to say thanks. i'll make sure i post more soon. i hope y'all liked my poem *DISTANT* i think it's my fav so far. lots of luv!!
-morbidheart-

Hey, i love ur poems. Keep posting them.

angelofdarkness1537

story of my life....love your poems great flow

*MY LATEST FANTASY*
I see you standing over there
something inside rises from nowhere

the moonlight hits your skin perfectly
as i close my eyes, your my latest fantasy

i can't get you out of my mind
your beauty can be seen by the blind

you've left me speachless
but far from thoughtless

i think about you all the time
how i wish you could be mine

but i'm too shy to speak to you
so i stare silently from across the room

i'm the figure in the shadow
do you notice me? this i don't know

all i know is you're the one for me
but for now you're just my latest fantasy

(this is my latest poem... yes i am a girl and yes this about another girl, even though im not bi... it just came to me... and i liked it too much to let it go to waste)
p.s., i have nothing against bi's, lesbians, or gays, so plz take no offense... i do not wish to offend.

Your last poem was so great... along with all the others. You have a lot of talent. Don't stop writting.

+Lilith+

lilith...
thank you so much for your sweet reply. *blush* u really think i have talent? i've seen some of your work too... and i think you have talent too. i will keep posting... if you would believe, i had just finished that one... in under 5 minutes!
-lindsey-
(morbidheart)

*FOREVER*
forever consumed
by our human nature

forever abused
by unholly tortures

what can we do
to make it alright

who can we turn to
to survive the blackest of night

theres nothing we can do
no one to turn to
forever abused
forever consumed...

Hey morbidheart, I love ut newest poems. I really like them a lot, keep post ur poem, i really like reading them.

angelofdarkness1537

hey!!! morbidheart here... i braved my fear of needles last night, and i got my lip pierced! ^_^ i dont know why... but i just wanted to share that with all of you. (by the way... its the right side of my bottom lip with a loop) sry... im just so proud of myself for not chickening out. next time i post i promise it wont just be for dumb shit... later
-lindsey-
(morbidheart)

thats so cool
did it hurt?

no staind... actually it didnt hurt! it started to burn a little bit after i got it done, but other than that no...it didnt. i think ill go back for more
-lindsey-
(morbidheart)

Thats cool.

angelofdarkness1537

r u going to post a new poem soon??? I would like to read more of them plz.

angelofdarkness1537

Hey morbid. Love ur poems. can't wait to see more. Happy u got over your fears. we all have to face them sumtime. i did it when i got my belly button pirced. i'm goin back to get my nose done soon. can't wait to read more of your poems.

*~BloodFilledTears~*