I Died today For The Millionth Time

The sun was gloriously blinding as I ran through the fields where I played as a child. Not a care in the world plagued me for I was at peace and free from the burdens of life. Soon I found myself lost in my lovers embrace falling deeper still into her eyes. Knowing without a doubt that nothing bad would ever happen, and that we would forever be together. Then as quickly as it began it came to an end, and I found myself in a terrifyingly familiar place. Bathed in darkness I wept as I awoke from my beautiful dream. I tasted the salty tears of reality while I sat in the lustful silence of solitude. For what seemed to be an eternity I pointlessly pondered this perpetuating struggle for life, and as I did so I watched the world hungrily devour itself from my window. As I looked on in dismay I discovered an ominous joy in the sound of my mind decaying within my scull at the sight of such a thing. Then I come to a horrible realization. I hate my existence because there is a stranger living my life. Every day I awake wishing that I hadn’t, then I stand in front of a mirror looking in the eyes of a person I see every day, yet I do not know. Then after working all day at a job I absolutely loathe, I return to this place and cry myself to sleep. Why do I greet the blissful escape of my nightmares with tears? Because I have a disease, a terminal disease that brings me only the promise of pain and death. This disease I have is life. I wasn’t always a hollow shell bitterly awaiting my agonizing release from this cumbersome world. The person you see before you now is a mere shadow of the man I once was. Not long ago I was a typical youth, in love with life and living it to the fullest. But deception and betrayal hit me hard, and forced me to look within myself for the answers I was seeking. Yet a person can only wander the relentlessly unforgiving void of their mind for so long before they slowly begin to forget who they are, and what they always wanted to be. So here I sit in the putrid blackness of the night slowly dieing a little every second in a prison with no walls.

March 29, 2004
Copyright ©2003Weldon Ray Stanton Jr

hun thats I'm not sure how to put words to what that brought about, your talents are outstanding
your going to post another soon right?

wow.... just.... wow...

excluding the tears which seem to have run out eons ago, you've just written a pretty accurate description of my life.
hope things get better for you

Thank you both for the kind comments.

What seemed to be an eternity ago I was to be married, but all did not go as planned, and thus we parted ways. This poem was how I told her good bye.

In the beginning there came the end..

In this, the darkest hour of my greatest gloom. I find comfort in my tears, for they wash away all my ties to you. Through the passing of time and the coming of age, only you have been my one true constant. Yet as I gaze out upon the path before me I see no place for you by my side. So I willingly embark on this journey of solitude, and I leave you here at this crossing with the knowledge that I will always remember you, for I am unable to force myself to forget. For the first time in my life I know that I am honestly alone. I have nether guide nor companion to accompany me on this quest, and deep within myself I know I have no need of them. As I walk out of the light cast by your love and into the darkness of the unknown future I witness the birth of a new life. My life. And as I silently stroll down this path that is propelling me towards my destiny I can’t resist giving the sky a fleeting glance. Staring up at it now, I can’t help but take into account that these stars that have shown down upon me for all my life now glow in a new light. The moon that has lit my path on the darkest of nights seems as unfamiliar as a stranger on the street. The very night seems to be alive with the freedom I have gained by having the courage to walk alone in it. Even though I now find myself standing on the edge of the abyss that was once my life, I fear not what lies ahead of me, nor regret what has already passed. I look forward to the pains and pleasures that come my way, and I wish you luck with those that find you.

Weldon Ray Stanton Jr
Copyright ©2004

I often times have trouble writing truly about myself because when i try it never seems to quite fit how i really feel. I can never quite get it right, but you however have layed it out beautifully and that takes a talented writer to do so. I would tell you good poems or stories, but they aren't stories, they are your life. All i can offer is hope for peace of mind to come

Thanks Astarael, and I do have piece of mind... well somewhat. lol


Dawn

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. The unknown future swiftly approaches and I face it for the first time with a sense of hope. For so long now I have walked shrouded in the darkness of my own self-pity and sorrow. Yet I now find myself looking out upon the world in a new light. My soul wept tears of joy as I strolled silently through the shadows of the forest, because I was no longer a prisoner of the chains that bound me. I laid for what seemed to be a lifetime in the soft green grass engulfed in the embrace of the summer sun, marveling over the fact that I was free from a prison of my own design. As I watched the clouds in the distance I thought back to the time when I had a raging storm in my heart, and how it was endlessly going yet never truly leaving. When I left that place the peace it gave me stayed, and even now as I walk down the road to my destiny, I know not where it leads me, yet I smile nonetheless. I don’t believe in fate, but I guess if there really is such a thing then you don’t have to. I have no clue where I will end up in life, and I honestly don’t care anymore. I now realize that the best part of living is not knowing what tomorrows dawn will bring with it. So as I watch the sun rise each day, and feel it chase away the bitter cold of the fleeting morning hours, I find happiness in the fact that I am alive to see it, and I long for the endeavors that lie ahead.


04-03-2004/04-04-2004
Weldon Ray Stanton Jr
Copyright ©2004

Those are very good darling. You have a heartfelt flair and it is truly touching. Your words possess a magical string that you manage to respark with each word. Captivating recognition burns within everyone that reads your work. You are true in your writing and its a refreshing burst of reality that mesmerizes the senses and makes one realize that you are very deep. You earn more of my respect and admirance all the time...

Thank you love, your comments are verry flattering to say the least.


Nightmares
:vampire:

Well you deserve every compliment that you recieve. I do hope you will consider posting more. I would love to read more. Your words are magnetic and I'm very drawn in.

Thank you once again love.
This is one of my favs, written back when I was in Kuwait/Iraq.

Last letter home

I have thought long and hard about what I would tell you in this last letter. I have spent many countless hours in deep contemplation trying to find the words to convey the severity of the situation I am now faced with. But even after all my struggling, I find only the anguish of defeat, and the sorrow of everlasting loneliness. For the words I feel I must speak to you I cannot. Because I know not what those words are. Therefore the effort is futile and meaningless in its purpose.
I cannot even begin to describe the dimensions of the black void that lies where my heart once was. And try as I might, I do not think I will recover this time.
Long ago I was a boy struggling to be a man. Now I’m a man struggling to remember what it was to be a boy. If you could only see my eyes, you would know all hope is gone. Because the only thing I have to live for now is this war, and this war only promises to bring me more pain and suffering.
There is only so much torture a tattered soul can endure alone, and I fear I am at my wits end. I can tell you that I am not afraid of death; as a matter of fact I welcome it into my embrace. Oh how I long to burn in the black acidic flames of my self inflicted demise. But please, weep for me not. For I am the malefactor of my own destiny, and the corrupter of my own wheel of fate. I chose the path I now walk, and walk it alone I must.
Know by the time you read these words I will be no more. Because at dawns first light my torment will cease, and my only hope as morning approaches, is that through my death you may find some peace…

3-9-2003/3-9-2003
Weldon Ray Stanton Jr
Copyright ©2003

*sighs and watches you in envy*
we were walking the same path in your story up to the point where you walked out and faced your new life. you revelled in being alone and free... i can't do that..
i walked out of a prison i allowed to have built around me, but i have not yet escaped my own prison. i don't look forward to the future like you, because it seems like such a desolate, lonely place.

i like these short stories of yours, they get me thinking. thank you

::Hugs tightly:: Beautifully constructed words. I'm in awe of your words and everything else about you. You are so in touch with yourself and you have the ability to tap into the exact feeling you're experiencing. Your words portray sides of you that one cant help but feel connection to.

haha... don't get me wrong, the world is a desolate and lonely place. But walking alone through it is sometimes less painfull than wallking in the company of another. Thats where the choice comes in, To be alone and not have the fear of being hurt, or have someone who will be with you, but who can tear your soul out at any time....


and thank you SiLvErXbRoKeN, too kind.

Nightmares
:vampire:

Dear Mom

How I wish I could return to being your little boy, yet he is no more. For the little boy you once knew was the first casualty of this war. I have seen death and I have caused it. I have seen the sand painted red with blood and I have drank it. I have laid awake at night listening to the cries of the enemy lying wounded on the field. And I smiled in the darkness at the sound of their suffering; while I remembered my friends they killed.
Here in this desolate place I have seen live men burn. Forever trapping me in a realm of insanity from which I will never be able to return. We battle all day and most of the night, but even when I do sleep, I still continue to fight. Every since I was a kid I dreamed of being a grunt, and now when I dream, I dream only of the hunt. I tell you these things not to make you cry, I just want you to know what kind of a man I became, just incase I should happen to die.
Please tell my baby sister I love her. And I’m sad that were apart. And no matter what happens, I’ll always be in her heart. And if something does happen, please tell her when she’s old enough to understand, that her brother was a warrior, who gave his life upon the sand. Make sure that she knows, none of this is for me. I do this job I do so her kids can be free.
I’m sorry but I must leave you. There is still much work to be done. The enemy is all but scattered, we finally have them on the run. I will write you again when I can, but I know not when that will be. For my fate is as uncertain as a feather in the wind. So I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

During Operation Iraqi freedom
Weldon Ray Stanton Jr
Copyright ©2003


Do You Hear Him??

I hear him….
Screaming all through the night.
His voice so full of pain,
I can almost feel his fright.

I hear him…..
Crying constantly.
Sobbing like a bitch,
Calling out to me.

I hear him……
But cannot find his location.
I wish to end his suffering,
Yet I’m stopped by hesitation.

I hear him…….
As the sun begins to rise.
And I find myself all alone,
Engulfed in my own surprise.

I hear him……..
No more, for now I see.
I was always here alone,
The screams came from me………

04-02-03/04-02-03
Weldon Ray Stanton Jr
Copyright ©2003

the thing is, sometimes you can't help being hurt by factors beyond your control. that's when it's good to have someone walk next to you. they will hold onto you and won't let you fall down.
it's a very big trade-off. the ones we love the most are the ones that can hurt us the most, but a life without love would be a life greatly untasted. as much as i hate to admit it, i'd rather give someone the ability to tear my soul at any moment than to walk the path alone. i can be strong in a relationship, but alone, i am weak

Dear Mom
initially i thought that was a suicide note, but it sounds more like a soldier's letter back home. though i've never been in such a situation, your story is very heartfelt and understood. it's a very touching letter

Do You Hear Him??
i hear you on that one... screams are no good though... as silent as mine are, i am very familiar with screams. and even more familiar with being their source

That was amazing. I've only just joined, and I do not know you, yt I fell as if I have met you. In a past life possibly? Death is what I live for. Those were wounderful. You can tell so much about another by what they write.

it seems that Nightmares of the Dead has the exceptional gift of being able to make people relate to him in more ways than one. you feel as if you've met him, i feel as if he's gone around inside my mind, picked up my thoughts and beautifully laid them out in his stories.
very few people are gifted enough to do that

I noticed. I enjoy this stuff even though my 'friends' as I call them think it's stupid. The whole war thing...I'm curious, was he really in it? I would be scared. I'm not afraid of death, for it is good, but the noise and what you see, I'd be scared, for loud noises terrify me. Sorry if talking about a war, being in one I mean, whent off topic.

i'd send you a PM with my reply but you can't receive them until you've made your 100th post, so i'll apologise to Nightmares of the Dead and spam his thread with my reply.
first of all, death is not good by any means, unless you're 100 years old or you have very serious, debilitating medical conditions. death is the end of a life granted to you to live to the fullest. and i too, hope that Nightmares of the Dead wasn't really in a war, because wars these days are stupid and pointless and no-longer the only way disputes can be solved.
whatever may be said about how crap wars are, his letter is touching beyond words. anyway, i'm even more off-topic than you were, so i'll shush now :) time to go and aimlessly check if anyone's bothered reading through my thread and commented hehe

oh and i've had 'friends' of mine directly laugh at me about one or two of my poems so i know what you mean. suck it in though and hold your chin up. friends are friends and we still need them, annoying as they may be at times

Yes. I know. By the way, sorry for spamming. I was just curious. Won't do it again.

Well, thank you both for your comments, they are greatly appreciated. And I don’t mind a little Q & A in my thread, I don’t consider it spam. As for the inquiry about me being in war. I was. I am a LCpl in the United States Marine Corps. I got deployed to the Middle East in February of last year. I was attached to Combined Joint Task Force Conscience Management (CJTF-CM). In the afternoon of March 20th we crossed the Iraqi border. At around 2400 we engaged our first enemy ground forces in a small village a few clicks inside enemy held territory. Sometime around dawn on the 21st was the first time I killed a man. I was in country for 6 months before I got pulled out. And now they tell me I might be going back. I don’t care though; I’d go gladly because I believe in what were fighting for. In the middle of the day I don’t regret anything I’ve done for I know it was needed at the time. But in the middle of the night it’s a whole different story…..


Nightmares
:vampire:

Pushing

I’m living out this life,
And I’m no longer afraid to say,
If I could only survive the escape,
I would flee this place today.

I hate this world I know,
I loathe this life I’m living.
I bust my ass every day,
Yet get nothing for all my giving.

I feel so utterly alone,
Trapped here in this place.
I’m loosing sight on my reality,
Through the tears that stream down my face.

I can feel my spine begin to tingle,
As my eyes begin to twitch.
My head is already throbbing,
By the time my skin begins to itch.

My mouth begins to water,
My palms begin to sweat.
My mind begins to flicker,
Soon they’ll know regret.

Piece by piece they still from me,
What little sanity that does remain,
I can feel myself slowly slipping,
Soon they’ll know my pain…


03/17/03-03/17/03
Weldon Ray Stanton Jr
Copyright ©2003

hello havent talked to ya in a while.
*waves dragon paw*
hey love your stories!
i think its a wonderfull way to write,
like a world gone darkened..but still
sain.

wow, it has been a while... a long while. Glad to see your still here, I trust your doing ok, and taking care of yourself?

Christmas

Today I awoke to the loneliness and sorrow that has become as familiar to me as waking itself. This is my third straight Christmas spent in solitude, and I am beginning to fear that I am slowly growing accustomed to being so far from those I love. The time is 1924 but the night is already upon me, and it is relentlessly unforgiving. It seems that with the setting of the sun each day I am left only with the thoughts and memories that plague me endlessly. I dream of my love, the woman who is a world away, yet continues to be the driving force in my life. I have begun to feel her absence intensify with the passing of every second spent from her side. The air that flows about me is as stale and cold as my mood on this desolate Christmas night. The tears that Mother Nature now casts against my windowpane helps my disposition little. I feel as if I am doomed to forever long for happiness yet never truly have it. This is my life, this is my endeavor. This is the never-ending plight of man, to do what we must to survive, but never have the things we want. As the world grows older in the dark emptiness of space, we all grow older in the emptiness of our lives. I can see the stars through the breaks in the clouds, and they too seem to feel the pain of being alone on this unsettling eve… Good night cruel world, and may tomorrow bring with it a better day.

12-25-2003/12-25-2003
Weldon Ray Stanton Jr
Copyright ©2003

much pain in that poem... deep pain.

i won't comment on what you said about the war because you quite obviously believe in what you did so it isn't my place to say how stupidly pointless that war was and still is. people from the US tend to love hating me for my views on their wonderful country, so i'll take my leave from your thread when it comes to country-pride related stuff

*exits*

well lets just say i trying to take good care of myself,
life just will not allow it..pttt,,,got alota shit going on,
that makes life kinda sucky in a hellish way..heh.
yep me still here and foever i hope..
this place is the only place i at least go some friends.
*blows kiss*
^_^ :ph34r:

My job, and choice in life brings with it much pain and loneliness, yet I have faith in my conviction, for if I didn’t all would be lost. And you can say what you like about my country and me, I fight for freedom so what kind of man would I be if I turned around and tried to restrict someone else’s. Just don’t do it in my face. I have a lot of friends who died in your so-called “stupid pointless war,” and neither them nor I see it that way. I’ve been in the allies of Iraq, I’ve seen the suffering that basted left in his wake. And I know we’re doing the right thing. I mean your entitled to your opinion, but don’t be so quick to judge, not until you’ve seen half the things I’ve see. But like I said, think what you will, after all, your in a position where no one is depending on you to protect them. I don’t have that luxury.


And blackdragon, you will always have friends here, and whereever you are. You’re an awesome person. I don’t see how anyone could not like you love.


Nightmares
:vampire:

Wow darling. Your writings getting better and more touching as they go along. You've got enormous talent and skill with your words. I know myself and a lot of other people on here would love to have your way of getting in touch with your feelings and emotions to commit them to words. Your work is just so captivating. One cannot help but love you.

Wow makes me weep to read your poems, the feelings you have and the thoughts that you have are amazeing -_-

Thank you both for the comments.
Lovely ladies make me feel special


Nightmares
:vampire:

I am so sorry for not rplying in your topic for so long. I guess I kinda lost it when I started pposting inother threds. Your poetry is beautiful, though judging by how far back your topic is, it looks as if you haven't written any in a while. If I may ask, why not? Please post more.

You are correct, I havn't been writing in a while. I've been very busy getting ready to deploy again. My Squadran is going back to Iraq. It's time to relive some of the Army Units that have been out there for awhile. Well, at least I'll have a lot of time to write, and even more inspiration.


Nightmares
:vampire:

Wow i haven't been here in so long... missed out on a lot of your fine work.. *goes back and reads all she missed* you are a really talented writer.. so great with interpriting your emotions to such beautiful works.. and almost everyone can relate to your pain in some way.. you have a true gift.. i hope you take full advantage of it

I do take advantage of it, but more often than not it gets me in alot of truble. Thus is the only reason I hate my job sometimes.... your not realy allowed to speak your mind. Oh well...... I guess thats life.



Nightmares
:vampire:

yes society seems to want us to conform and be within their set of rules and their vision of how we should be.. its hard to get away from that sometimes but it takes courage and determination to open up and show who you really are.. congratz for that "thumbsup* and what is your job?.. if you stated it before i must have missed it..

I'm a Marine... but only for a year longer... then I will once again be able to practice democracy... and not just defend it.

Nightmares
:vampire:

aaah yes i may have the same problem.. working to be either a state prosecuter or a profiler.. so i will have to work for the government.. even though it drives me up the wall with how utterly rediculous it is.. heh..

Your going to Iraq? Well, please, be very carful. I will miss you while your gone. *hugles*

mmmm i miss your works.. i hope you return soon...

How you write beautiful pieces such as this magnificient poem is beyond me. Indeed, I agree with finding happiness in the fact that you are alive. I am truly continuing to enjoy your words, so please keep blessing us with such wonderful art.

Why?

Why do I terrify the one's that I love,
why am I shunned by the one above?
Why do I feel all this anger and hate,
why can't my brain and heart relate?

Why do I always find my self in this place,
my body lying on the floor,
my mind in outer space?
Why do thoughts of you always fill my head,
why when we're apart,
do I wish I was dead?

Why do your black lips intrigue me so,
why am I lost... I wanna know,
so if you know any of the reasons why,
tell me now before I decide to die,
but then again,
Why ask why?

Copyright ©2003 Weldon Ray Stanton Jr

I LOVE THIS POEM!!!

that emotion is such a hard one to describe.. how you feel for someone.. and questioning yourself.. them.. and everything you previously believed.. it is odd.. but you portrayed it so well.. *sigh* i wish i could write something like that.. awesome job though hun

YAY!!! Your home. It seems like it's been forever. You are home right? I LOVED the poem *hugs* Can't wait to read more!

...

You're a peach.

Umm... good luck with the Iraq thing?

All of your poetry is just breath-taking. Plain and simple.

Astarael
Thank you very much for you comments, its always nice to hear what people think about my work.

Alexandrea
Ya, I got back a little while ago. I haven’t been around because I took a few days off for my 21st birthday. Now I’m grown up….. right? lol

Surrealist
Thanks... and I'm pretty sure thats the first time I've been called a peach.. lol
There realy is a first time for everything.

Nightmares
:vampire:

just give me more work to comment on and i will be there