Son of a Bitch
Die you son of a bitch
You never made things right
You never were a father
And I want you out of sight
You’re a dumb drunk
Never sober at all
You’re a stupid mother fucker
And I want your downfall
My aunt is going weird
From all of her pain
You’re making her crazy
And you’re driving her insane
Nobody protects me
I cannot even cry
As you get fucked up
I only hope you die
You are drunk again
And while you hit and scream
I’m downstairs in the darkness
Thinking up a scheme
I smoke another cigarette
And pick up your gun
As I walk to your room
I only want this done
I cock the gun back
As you’re sleeping in your bed
I aim at my target
Your thick, fucked up head
You hear my actions
And sit up right away
“What the fuck are you doing?”
You look at me and say
“What the hell am I doing?
You stupid little fuck
I want you to die
And you’re out of fucking luck”
“You’ve gone damn crazy
You cannot do this
You won’t shoot
You’ll probably miss”
I life up the gun
And take aim once more
I realized you were my pain
You were my hate’s very core
“Die you son of a bitch
You never made things right
You never were a father
And now you die tonight”
I pulled the trigger
And in a flash he was dead
I walked out of the room
And nothing more was said
~ Ashley Elaine Mullen ~

Final Hours
I'm completely falling apart inside
Desperately searching for a place to hide
The pressure is stronger with every wave
It's so hard to not give in and cave
To everyone else I seem just fine
Although there's chaos inside of my mind
I'm sick of being alone in my house
With no friend but a little mouse
"I cannot take this anymore"
I think as I run through my door
Deciding to stop the hurt and pain
While outside it begins to rain
With rain clouds filling in the sky
I grab a knife and begin to cry
As lightning comes in bolts and flashes
In my arms I make deep gashes
As the blood around me turns cold
My final wish is for someone to hold
The storm clouds slowly retreat from the sky
It was then I was meant to die
~ Ashley Elaine Mullen ~

Lots of emotion makes for good poetry, nice work and welcome to the Forum.

Thank you for the compliment. I do appreciate it. I've been writing for years now and the emotion is real for the most part. All poetry is based on real life experiences, but some aren't exactly what happens. I just hope they are alright. I could use some critique however. Any suggestions?

Hurt
My blood seeps out onto the ground
But that is not enough for you
You rasie your fist and again it comes down
Engrained on my face is a print of your shoe
Itremble in fear and cry out to stop
But it's a lost cause; one I can't change
Then again, my tears start to drop
Why is this so incredibly strange?
~ Ashleigh Elaine Mullen ~

very dark... and very to the point you have some amazing work, i look forward to more.

Thatx again for the nice compliments people. I do look forward to writing more.

Broken
My heart is breaking
And my body is torn
My hands are shaking
I feel unborn
My blood does seep
Like wind through trees
Demons fly free
On my broken wings
Glass is shattered
My veins are blown
My skin is tattered
I feel disowned
I'm drowing in the mud
As I lay on the ground
M y mouth is full of blood
And my head starts to pound
The last thing I can say
As I drop to the floor
I won't live another day
But I'll love you forever more
~ Ashley Elaine Mullen ~

All of your poetry is outstanding but this poem got me the most, I know where you are coming from my father is the same, I feel like killing him (almost did once) but my mother always told me revenge is sweeter, do well in life get a good career then throw it all back in his face and he can't take credit for any of it, and just because he's your father doesn't mean you have to love him or have anything to do with him, I hate people who say oh, but he's your father, so fucking what.

Sorry went on a bit there your work is amazing and I look forward to reading more, you have found a fan in me.

I also have poems on this site and you are more then welcome to read them, I have encluded some about my father, oh and welcome to the thread

Your poetry is all so very real, and it seems so painful. Believe me, many of us know what you are going through. And I do not know how many people will be here to try to help support you, but you can count me in. I would be here for you simply because your writing is very beautiful, even if it is angry.
^_^
"Smile and the whole world smiles with you!"

enigma, i really wish i had more to say, but "wow" is all i can manage right now. your work is very striking, very full of emotion and very full of impact and all that leads to a very impressed dark element which happened to be passing by.

though i have a bad feeling they are not, i will hope that these poems are exaggerations of situations in your life that you did not have to live through. i had serious issues with my parents, but nothing like this. my hatred i had for them at the time was mostly unjustified and undeserved now that i look back but i did write some quite hateful poems which i didn't dare post even on this site.

i liked all your poems, but mostly the first to and especially the first one. it is just raw emotion carved in your mind and expressed on paper (or computer, doesn't matter)

i'll try not to do what others do to me and i will say "i'll be back to read more when you post more", but i actually will come back and have a look at your work.


finally, as mephistocles said, welcome to the forum

by the way, if you want to be able to use that 'my assistant' thing or be able to PM people and stuff like that, get yourself into noisy discussions and post heaps of spam until your number of posts hits 100
after that, you can sit back, have a drink :cofpap:, and continue posting :)


oh, and if you ever feel like breaking away from the crowd and doing something no one else does, you can waste some time reading through my poems. link is in my signature thingy

Son of a Bitch was so full of emotion. It was so raw. The piece was so full of emotion it was almost blinded by it though. Try and do into a little more detail, if your going to be that painfully open and honest make the reader really "feel" your pain. I can't really explain how to do that. You just... know. I hope that will be able to help you. I can see real talent blossoming here. Keep writing and I will return.

:meow: -Kat- :meow:

hmm, i don't know about you deathkitten, but i know i felt that pain. it was almost hair-raising for me

I am acustom to pain. It doesn't hit me like that. But it is evident that it is there, and it does jump out at you.

I think its a little to much though. It sounds almost like ranting rather than a poem.

your writing is very good.. the emotion is strong in all of them.. you can feel it.. the words hitting you... it hurts.. the words are so powerfull.. it effect the reader.. to have a skill like that is incredeble... you should countinue.. you have a gift... use it to the brim dear..
with much luv,
narti

I thank you all for the comments. I will try to write with a little more emotion, but I know it shall take some time. Sorry I haven't been updating lately as I have been very busy. I shall try to update more often. I really thank you all for the comments. They were beautiful for lack of a better word. I feel honored to have so many people like my poetry and I will continue to keep writing and posting. Thank you agin!

Sleepwalker
Don't touch the sleepwalker
Who's spinning in a maze
Of laughter and of taunts
Of love and of hate
Don't touch the sleepwalker
Who's blinded throughout life
WHo knows what is the truth
But does not see why
Don't touch the sleepwalker
Who's drifting through her dreams
From this whirling hypocrisy
From the world's twiztid scheme
Don't touch the sleepwalker
Who's coming closer to her doom
Cause with every step she takes
She's more likely to awake
~ Ashleigh Elaine Mullen ~

Today
Lying on the floor screaming and crying
While on the indside I'm slowly dying
I yell out to you, no help at all
I begin preparing for another fall
Happy people are so naive
I wish they would just go away and leave
They don't know what it's like to be
Depressed to the point you can't even see
Swirling in the black hole of my mind
I don't even know what I'm trying to find
Deeper and deeper into the bottom of my hell
Not one person my feelings I can tell
Maybe I should just end this right away
No one would care if I died today
~ Ashleigh Elaine Mullen ~

awww i'd care :(
i like your poems, how am i gonna read them if you died today??

sleepwalker was a bit too abstract for my 5.5-hour-sleep brain to comprehend, but i totally got Today. the "Not one person my feelings I can tell" bothered me a bit in a structural sense, but i couldn't think of a different way of phrasing it without substantially altering words and meanings.

keep up the good work :)

Thank you very much! At least I know that someone would care if I died! I feel loved now :) I do try to structure my poetry, but I dont ever do very well with it. Im still trying though. Practice makes perfect.

Reflection
Nurse my heart just like a wound
Treat it as bruised and broken
Caressed by yours like you do my hand
In the dead of our nights
When I'm lying here next to you
Watching the sun set over the horizon
Colors bleed red just like my blood
Seeping slowly as I squeeze the thorny rose stem
You gave me the day you left
Watching the stars appear in our sky
Like stitches holding together time and space
And us
Holding together my heart
You left on the floor like shattered glass
It was there
So you stepped on it
A broken mirror staring back at me
But I only see your face
~ Ashleigh Elaine Mullen ~

Choices
Glistening razor sharp icicles dangling from the blinding white roof of my house. I stare and consider. They taunt me, shiny and translucent, begging me to touch them. I just might get lucky and successfully pluck one of the smooth cool frozen drips of pure water. or I might be pelted by the needle tipped stakes which want only to cause an avalanche around me and to shatter into thousands of tiny glass shards. They aim for any exposed skin and leave in their wake cuts and stinging unwarranted pain. Is it really worth it to test fate and attempt to do something with such a high chance of failure? Ask yourself that the next time you're able to taste the glittering heaven of a newly formed icicle.
~ Ashleigh Elaine Mullen ~

been there... had that done to me...


am there... still haven't decided whether to fully reach out and try taking the 'icicles'. though the pain the glass shards are causing is currently greatly offset by the desire to taste the 'icicles', i don't know how much longer that'll last.

i'm glad i ran into your thread again. i can identify with both of your new works. as i said, lived through the first one, currently living through the second one.
keep writing. if i found my past in your work and i found my present, who knows, maybe next time i'll find my future
:)

I believe that poetry is my best form of communication as it comes from deep within my heart. I do try my best to place these thoughts onto paper, but feel that I have failed for I cannot fully captivate each though and feeling inside. I can grasp the concept of what I feel, but the feeling is to deep to place into words. I do apprecitae the people who respond to my works as it gives me a sense of non failure. It helps me to gather more thoughts and it helps me to reach deep into the inside to pull out what is left. . . . I realized something today that I think has changed my view on quite a few things. I have always told my parents how much I want to leave this place because of the chaos. I am adopted and I do not feel completely home in this whole environment. Well, today I was watching a spider crawl around, stopping every so often to look around, and then to continue on its way. I wonder if that spider ever had a loving family, if it had children of its own, if it ever found true love, or if it just lived it's life in solitude. I wonder how it's life treated it. I wonder why I was simply crawling around in the open all alone. What was going through its mind? . . . I know this probably sounds completely crazy, but it did cross my mind. Maybe my life is like the spider's life. If I choose to leave this chaotic place, I could be just another empty soul wandering aimlessly with no real direction to go. I wonder if that spider saw me and if it wondered about my life and what I was thinking. The subject seems to be something I shouldn't have my mind on. It's so simple and unimportant. But what it made me realize is that I want to be an empty soul. I want to live and be alone with no worries about loved ones and death. I find peace in solitude and that's why I always want out.

Bruises
Cold and tired and bruised
And all of these unseen
Feeling broken and used
And crying tears like a stream
What has happened here
These bruises you cant see
These screams that you can't hear
Are all drowning me
I caught a rain drop
In the palm of my hand
I wish it would stop
So someone could understand
My soul is so sore
From these bruises you can't see
Lying on the bathroom floor
Why does no one hear me
I'm dying from these bruises
That are tearing me apart
It's strange how it uses
All the love inside my heart
~ Ashleigh Elaine Mullen ~

All My Fault
I cut myself again last night
Just to feel the pain
Instead of putting up a fight
I let your insults reign
Don't blame yourself for the blood I spilled
It isn't your fault at all
My goblet of pain had been filled
And overflowed like a waterfall
Too many things inside
Bottled and supressed
Although it seems easy to hide
I really am depressed
~ Ashleigh Elaine Mullen ~


Blue Moon
Sometimes I cry
Once in a blue moon
I wish I could die
And preferably soon
A knife and blood of black
Not crimson or red
There's no turning back
I know that I'm dead
~ Ashleigh Elaine Mullen ~

Sorry people. I'm just in a mood to write today. I know my poetry doesn't sound too good, but I'm just in a writing mood. I'm not sure exactly what I feel right now. I'm just going though a phase I guess. I don't know. I hope you guys like it. I'll try to do better next time. If anybody has any critique it would be much appreciated. I need a lot of work with my poetry and comments would help! :)

gorgeous...the passion and the emotion your words linger...I like your style..Morbid and so true when it comes to raw human emotions...

Thank you Donovan. I appreciate your kindness. I feel I should try a little harder, but I do try to push myself into better writing. Again, thanks for the compliment! :)

Anyone else have any critique or anything. I kinda have a writers block lol

your prospective is interesting to me....but if you keep yourself in solitude you'll miss out on alot of things in life even if they hurt....they say what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, but i can't say i've ever been through anything like what you write about so i'll just continue reading you poems and try to learn.

this is a poem i read at poetry.com that i'd like you to read....i thought you could relate to it.

This din and this condition. Thinking thief
who nicks and strips and skitters all away
as conscious night will dark a callow day
and make a woe a weal. Is pain belief,

wilder slivers in a broken leaf
that falls and fades and fails, until they say,
Who thought this shred could measure, scrap could weigh
vacant volumes on a scale of grief.

Din and yammer. The noise is in the quick,
the sentient sap that wells, the quern of now
milling its tears. Sweet sentence, what will stay

of all this wayless weeping, as the sick
tear-shaped leaves slip, whisper, news of how
silence whitens every bright array.

ooooooooooooooooooo I like that. That was good. I'm not even sure how to respond to it. It was just beautiful. Thank you for sharing that with me. I appreciate it. Its always nice to hear things from other poeple. It helps me to relate them to my life. I dunno. Thank you. I promise to have some more poems on here soon, but I currently have writers block so I dunno when that will pass. Thank you for reading my posts. Its nice to know poeple read my stuff.

Well people, I just got back from Ocean City and am quite tired, so I'm going to go to sleep. I was just checking to see if anyone had responded to my forum is all. . . . . I guess not . . .. Oh well. I shall post more tomorrow. Farwell my friends! :)

it is interesting that you would say that. just today i created a thread on Freedom on a forum i moderate and part of my argument in there was that absolute freedom cannot exist, because either in soltitude or in crowds, we are always deprived of some forms of freedom we would like to have. i can PM you the url if you want because i doubt the mods here will like me throwing links to other forums.
and surprising as it may sound, revelations to great questions about ourselves can often be made by looking at the very small things that surround us. so no, i don't think you're insane because you think of what a spider would think. not after i've spent quite some time in the past thinking of what ants and stuff think about, even though i know that ants aren't capable of concious thought.
*is rambling*
just wanted to spill that out before i went on to read your new poems :)

Bruises
*pat on the back* unheard screams are never good. unseen bruises are never good. a fading soul left in silence is worse.
i can hear you though, don't worry. i hear you loud and clear. i hope things get better soon

All My Fault
noooo, no cutting
cutting is no good
your words are beautiful, but your feelings are greatly pained...

Blue Moon
noo, you = not allowed to die. who's poems am i going to read and say "wow" to then? okay, maybe a couple people, but everyone's poems are different and i like your style. maybe not your theme (because i'm all too familiar with it), but i do like your poems. so as long as you have even 1 fan, you're not allowed to die ;)

Wow, dark element, I think that's the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me! thank you so much! :) I feel all loved again. I think I'll write a good poem then! Just for you since you are so sweet and just happen to keep reading when no one else will! I appreciate it! *hugs and kisses* and yes, you can PM me if you'd like. I don't mind at all! :) okay, hehehehehehehe here goes . . . .

Ocean Shores
You in my arms and I in yours
We walk along the ocean shores
We drift along, our lives pass by
But we don't care; we don't ask why
We just keep drifting along the beach
To the endless point we cannot reach
Like ripples skimming across the sand
We dream of things we don't understand
Our souls entwined forevermore
There along the ocean shore
~ Ashleigh Elaine Mullen ~

you must not read your own work very often, i was thinking of the same thing about Ocean Shores. truly a beautiful poem, so i'm very honoured to have it dedicated to me :D
me wanna see more like this one!

more nice poems huh? I don't think I can do that too well. hahahahahahahaha but I do have a poem that means absolutely nothing that I think I'm going to post! hehehehehehehe cuz I can!

My Friend Bill (my orange cotton ball :) )
Bill is my friend, but he's not very nice
He lights things on fire and gives people lice
Bill likes to play jokes and make people cry
He steals people's glasses to watch ants fry
Bill take's people's hates and hides them away
He won't give them back till the end of the day
Bill writes on the board everyday before class
And he bounces along on his orange, fluffy ass
Bill likes to smoke pot, but he's in rehab now
He would escape to mexico, but doesn't know how
There's something about Bill that makes him so neat
And it isn't the fact that he hasn't any feet
Bill eats love and he'll eat yours as well
Then he'll suck out your soul and send you to hell
~ Ashleigh Elaine Mullen ~

*grins* lovely poem there loki ;)
if i had written this, and i don't think i'd ever write something as funny and cool as this, i would've phrased the last line differently. instead of

Bill eats love and he'll eat yours as well
Then he'll suck out your soul and send you to hell


i would've made it

Bill eats love and he'll eat yours as well
He'll suck out your soul and send you straight to hell

not saying you have you change it of course, just how i'd say it :)
*thumbs up for a very cool poem*

funny you should phrase the last line like that. That's what it originally said but I changed it cuz the meter was off and the last line was longer. Im glad someone actually thinks the same way as I do. lol :) I hope to see you online again sometime soon! U actually respond to my poetry! hehehehehe

wow...DE was right..you really do work on your poetry,,it flows very well..
poor bill :lol:
please write more!! ^_^

lol thank you very much Buddha. I do try. I hope that my poetry will come along better than it has lately, I shall continue to post! The "My Friend Bill" was about a little orange cotton ball that i lost :( If I don't find him, I'm gunna make a funeral poem for him. I love my Bill . . . . . . .

Chains
I'm locked up in these chains of steel
Reality's here, yet I cannot feel
Black blood falling gently to the ground
Cutting swiftly, nothing else around
The walls are black, the ground is red
Growing cold, nothing to be said
There is no light to guide my way
I sit in sorrow day after day
The chains vanish when I dream
This place is forsaken; no more screams
Skies of silver, land of black
Once I enter, I cannot go back
Free as an eagle, watch me fly
Clouds of red, no more cries
One light escapes, no longer hidden
I cannot tell if this light is forbidden
My body falls, moving toward the light
Struggle as I do, I cannot fight
Approaching this strange glitch in my land
I can't steer away, it grabs me by the hand
My body freezes, I grow cold as mist
Nothing more as I fall into darkness
Reality again, there's nothing left to see
Chains are there, but dead I must be
~ Ashleigh Elaine Mullen ~

hehe yay i think like you!

that deserved a post in itself :D
off to make a couple comments on your latest poem now :)

Chains

first of all i have to say that i love the flow of your poems. just love it :)
secondly i'll say there's a couple places here where that awesome flow breaks hehe
i'll post what you said and then how i'd say it okie?

1.
The chains vanish when I dream
This place is forsaken; no more screams
---------
The chains vanish in my dreams
This place is forsaken; no more screams
==========

2.
Free as an eagle, watch me fly
Clouds of red, no more cries
---------
Watch, as free the eagle fies
Clouds of red, no more cries
==========

3.
My body freezes, I grow cold as mist
Nothing more as I fall into darkness
---------
My body freezes, I grow cold
Nothing more as darkness takes hold
==========

the last one is the most severely changed one but i couldn't think of any other way to maintain the rhyme and flow you had all the way through.
if i ruined any intended meaning of the poem i'm sowwy. either way, it's a beautifully written and immensly sad poem.
*poke* few more comments like this and you'll be flying out of your writer's block just so you can write more and get even more comments like this! ;)

this poem is very good... ^_^ I like the theme
The emotions kinda feel happy and sad in a way ^_^
please post more ^_^

Thank you guys so much! I'm glad you like my work as I do try!!!!! :) I feel very pleased! *kisses and hugs* I found my way back to write. Maybe my writers block was a one day thing *wink wink*. :)

All My Fault
I cut myself again last night
Just to feel the pain
Instead of putting up a fight
I let your insults reign
Don't blame yourself for the blood I spilled
It wasn't your fault at all
My goblet of pain had been filled
And overflowed like a waterfall
Too many things inside
Bottled and suppressed
Though it seems easy to hide
I really am depressed
~ Ashleigh Elaine Mullen ~

Blue Moon
Sometimes I cry
Once in a blue moon
I wish I could die
And preferably soon
A knife and blood of black
Not crimson or red
There's no turning back
I know I'm dead
~ Ashleigh Elaine Mullen ~

Thank you very much Donovan. I do appreciate your comments. :) *hugs and kisses* Here's another just for anyone who might come across this :)

Shadows
Dark shadows fill the room
Sounds of horror fill the air
Soon I know I'll meet my doom
Soon I'll escape this lonely despair
Fear peirces my heart like a dagger
Thoughts of you peirce my mind
I think of you and begin to stagger
I think of the way out that I can't find
Before my eyes I see flashes of my life
I see myself dying on this day
So I thrust myself upon this knife
I have nothing left to say
As I lay on the ground
In a pool of my black blood
I lay my head in my hands
And look to the skies above
I slowly drag myself across the ground
Through the grass and dew
I slowly grow cold, I can no longer move
My last thoughts are of you
~ Ashleigh Elaine Mullen ~

My Place
Is anyone out there
Cannot you hear me
Does anyone care
Cannot anyone see
I'm about to lose it all
The world is winning
Drugs and alcohol
My world is spinning
Who it hurts now isn't the question
Few people even matter to me
My emotions are too much to mention
This world needs to let me be
My best friend died because of me
My mother laughs in my face
Why don't you just try to see
What its like to be in my place
~ Ashleigh Elaine Mullen ~

hmm..very interesting work...
very very morbid and dark...
there is aheavy veil laying on your words....
little things to give fleeting pleasures which ultimately fail....
so sad..the poetry reflects alot...please write more ^_^

Thanx again Buddha. I'm glad you are hear to read my poetry. I've been in a rather depressed mood lately, but I have a lot going on. In time, it shall cease and I shall be back to my normal self again. I apologize for the sad and depressing talk. Just know that I'm not going to try anything stupid. I'll be alright. As I said, it all just takes time. Thank you so much. Your comments are very much appreciated and it really does mean a lot to me. :) *hugs*

Remembrance (R.I.P. Tavita :( )
In my mind, I remember the day
How upset I was when you went away
One single fight intriguied your fall
With nothing left; no remorse at all
I remember the sound of your enchanting voice
All alone in your room with no other choice
Your kisses were so tender and pure
A lullaby to my heart was the cure
The cure to my life and what I was
Of all things real, you showed me love
That one night you committed suicide
It crushed my heart, soul, and pride
~ Ashleigh Elaine Mullen ~

. . . . Yeah I wrote this in memory of my best friend Tavita. Everytime I read it, it makes me cry. I swear that I haven't gone one night without thinking of him and how things used to be. If anyone has ever lost the most important person to them, I'm sure you know how it feels. It's been almost 8 months now and it seems like the pain only gets worse. I wish there was a cure for such pain, but I fear that there will never be. I'm always told that it will all pass in time, but how precious time can be. How much time shall it take? Will it be too late? Time is not something to wait on because you'd never know how fast things can change and you'll never know when your heart will crash without mercy and with no release. Sorry, I'm just rambling. I think I'll stop there.

wow..I like your ramblings ^_^ they give me something to think on...
interesting enough, your pain is heart felt because you had strong connections with this person...these things make us go into unconcious states at times where thats all we think on and we really are not receptive in real life....
A very special poem indeed... I will keep it close to my heart as I know you will... *hugs*

I'm glad to know that other's can feel and express such deep feelings as I try to do. It makes me feel better knowing that people are here for me. This makes me want to stay in this crazy world. I know there is more to life than what meets the eye. I only hope to find true happiness within my heart and I pray to help others feel the same way as I do. My lifetime goal has been to keep others happy and that is what I intend to do. This world would be such a better place is it were filled with more love sometimes. I've heard of so many traumatizing events that simply make my heart crash knowing that others can feel such a loss. But when it actually happened to me, I felt so much more pain that I never thought was even possible. About my friend Tavita in case anyone was wondering, he was 24 years old and we literally went everywhere together. After I was kicked out of my house becuase my mother tried to get me to shoot up heroin with her, I stayed with Tavita. He was my enlightenment and captivated every feeling that my heart possessed. We got into an argument after he started talking about suicide. I tired to tell him how life could be worth so much more than what it was, but he didn't listen. I cried and poured my heart out to him, and he acted as if he hadn't heard a word. That night he left and I stayed up all night trying to find him. Sick with worry and of dread. I never thought feelings could be so strong to just one person. Around 3 in the morning he came back to the house and then it all came. He knocked on the door which seemed strange as it was his house. When I saw him, he looked terrible. His face was soaked in tears and his arms were all bloody. I went immediately forward in attempt to hug him and he just shrugged me off. I felt so hurt, but not because of the rejection. It was mainly because I wanted to know how he felt and what was going on. Then it happened and it all happened so fast. He said that he loved me and that he swore he would always be in my heart to keep me safe. I was about to question where this was going, deathly scared. Then he simply pulled a gun out of his pocket and shot himself in the temple. All I saw was blood and his body laying on the front porch. I didn't know what to do. I'm only 17 years old and stuff like this has never happened to me before. I remember closing the door and just standing there trying to fight back the tears that came flowing ever so quickly down my cheeks. I tried to scream but couldn't find my voice. It was the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my entirity of life. I called the police and made a suicide report and then opened the door to lay next to him. I didn't care about the blood that was there or how mangled his body was. I just wanted to hold him one last time. Just one last time to feel his body so close to mine and to look into his eyes which had gone from a light blue to almost clear. I had to close his eyes and his lips which were parted in such a horrific way. I laid next to him and just cried silently. When the police came, I couldn't control my emotions. They tried to move me away from his body and I fought with all of my might to stay there. I never wanted to leave him. It was when I picked up his gun when they had like 4 policeman hold me down. I then found the effort to scream. All of the neighbors came out of their houses and just stood their shocked to disbelief. I tried so hard to simply touch him again. I just wanted to stay in his arms forever. Knowing that there would be no more comfort, no more kisses, no more touch, nothing. I passed out and woke up in the hospital completely alone. I was in a little room with nothing but a bed and a sheet. I rememebr trying to strangle myself, but didn't have the effort to grip anything. I felt dead. That was the day I felt I had died. . . . . It's so hard when you leave in a way such as that. I don't think I'll ever completely get over it. I know this may seem unimportant and all and I'm sorry for wasting anyone's time. I just thought I'd explain as it was on my mind. I apologize. . . . ..